My Trip: Day 17, Going home 

July 9th,  2017

Nothing to do today but fly and sit in airports.  I left our hotel in a taxi to the hotel as I said goodbye to Bucharest and soon to Europe altogether.  This was the trip of a lifetime and I probably won’t get another trip like this until I’m retired or have a long vacation from my future career. 

Travelling was an extremely fun and new experience that I will never forget.  It showed me what it’s like on the other side of the planet.  How different people live outside of America.  It made me feel small compared to this vast planet we live in. Discovery channel never really cut it for me in terms of showing how others live in Europe.  experiencing it in person is the real way of learning. Thia year has been so great so far.  I met my girlfriend and learned that my life wasn’t ao bad.  I traveled outside of the country and I lived on the other side of the state and experienced that.  I’ve really pushed myself to try new things and I’m proud of myself.  There’s more planned for me this year.  I hope to see my girlfriend this summer and I hope to go to Vegas for my 21st birthday in November and I plan to go skydiving.  I plan to go back to school in my hometown and find a job I can stay at for a long period.  

I have many plans for the future and I believe this year is the start of it all.  I needed to get travelling out of the way and broaden my horizon a little before I narrowed my sights back on school.  I needed this trip for sure.  Now all I need ia to see my girlfriend and I will be set on beginning my life.  

The first hour and a half flight was a breeze. The security in Istanbul was a breeze,  I got a pretty good sandwich and then we didn’t have to wait long for the next flight either. I got onto the next plane and remembered me and my grandma are sitting in row of three with nobody between us.  So far travelling today has been very easy.  Ans this is our long flight.  And it seems like it’ll go well.  Also I was looking at this picture of a cat I took on my trip and then I heard this meowing and I thought I was going crazy but really a passenger brought like,  three cats in their carriers and they’re meowing a lot because they’re scared.  I took a picture of one in it’s little carrier thing.  So cute.  It’s going to be meowing all flight. 

Ugh so we went on the first two flights,  one was 1 1/2 hours,  one was 10 hours.  Then our one we just got off of was 4 hours.  Too much flying for me.  Grandma didn’t plan well with the taxi at all of course.  So we’re just sitting around and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

I’ll be glad to be rid of all that once I get home.  I’m tired and just want to rest.  But this has been a good trip and I’m lucky to have been able to go.  

Advertisements

My Trip: Day 4

I woke up pretty early today for some reason.  But we had to get up early anyways.  I got all my stuff ready and I put my suitcase outside the hotel room door to be taken down to our bus.  We went downstairs and had an AMAZING breakfast yet again.  Best bacon I’ve ever had and also really good apple strudel.  

We got onto our bus and the local guide gave us a tour around Zagreb,  Croatia.  It’s a pretty cool place I guess but I loved Vienna much more.  The currency is called the Kuna and it’s named after or maybe just confidently the same name as an animal around these areas. and it’s worth 7 times American money so I exchanged $20 for like,  135 Kuna.  So I’m rich here. We walked around the town for a while.,  went into a church that was designed by the same architect who designed St.  Stephens cathedral.  That was kind of cool.  Then we got into the bus again for two hours to arrive to a national park that’s supposed to be very beautiful.  It was where they shot some scenes of game of thrones at.  

Something else that really interested me was a museum called the Museum of Broken Relations.  All it is is a ton of junk basically.  It’s filled with the things that you usually throw away after ending a relationship.  You know those things you have received or given to your partner but then when you breakup you don’t want it anymore.  Well you can take it to be shown here.  I find it very cool and interesting.  Because all of these items are nothing to everyone but the couple who left it there.  But there’s a sad story behind each and every one of them.  I think the story is displayed by each item.  

I just got back in the bus from the long walk.  they never showed us any game of thrones scene location.  But it was beautiful.  Also tiring but ai loved it.  We were hiking for two and a half hours and we walked a very long ways.  It was through the national park.  Lots of waterfalls and different lakes.  The lake was very clean and bright blue.  you could see the little fish swimming in it.  Only bad part was a lot of other tourists were there and some of them were really rude.  it took a little bit away from the peaceful vibe that this place should have.  But regardless. The pictures I took won’t show the crazy atmosphere that was the walk amongst the tourists.

I am now heading to our hotel and we’ll have dinner there and probably go to bed.  Not sure where our hotel will be but we’re still in Croatia.  Just not Zagreb anymore. 

We arrived and had a dinner that was in our hotel.  Very weird coming here to this Mediterranean side of Croatia.  The food was different and so were the people.  But the dinner was good.  The style of the hotel is also very different.  Very bright,  vibrant colors.  

Mad

​”You were everything I wanted, You were everything a girl could be,  Then you left me broken hearted. Now you don’t mean a thing to me. All I wanted was your Love, love, love, love, love, love”

Do you ever just feel pissed off?  Do you sit there and realize you’re just unable to think happy thoughts?  And everything that people say or do just rubs you the wrong way and puts you deeper into the hole of anger you’re digging for yourself inside your head?  Or what about when it has to do with a certain person and every time you look at their stupid fucking face you just get mad.  

“Hate is a strong word But I really, really, really don’t like you Now that it’s over, I don’t even know what I liked about you, Brought you around, and you just brought me down.  Hate is a strong word but I really, really, really don’t like you”

Well that happens to me.  It happens to me quite often.  It happens after I think about things for far too long.  It happens when people keep doing things that annoy me and I don’t say anything about it to them so I have to just keep thinking about it. It happens when I keep thinking about my life and how annoying everything about it is.  And it especially happens when I think about a certain person and their stupid fucking face. 

“Thought that everything was perfect. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Thought you thought that I was worth it.  Now I think a little differently. All I wanted was your Love, love, love, love, love, love”

Puts me in a shitty mood every damn time.  I just sit here alone, thinking and thinking and thinking.  pissing myself off with all these thoughts.  Creating scenarios in my head that never happened,  thinking about the past and how it should have never happened,  thinking about this time last year and how fucked everything is now.  Thinking about how nobody fucking listens to me and then they go around telling everyone how quiet I am.  Fucking listen to me. I wouldn’t have to be quiet if I knew you would listen to me. Stop acting like I’m the quiet one when I could easily talk if I liked you,  If I felt comfortable around you.  But apparently I don’t if I don’t talk to you.  that’s how it is with me.  Get used to it or get the fuck out.  

“Hate is a strong word But I really, really, really don’t like you Now that it’s over, I don’t even know what I liked about you, Brought you around, and you just brought me down. Hate is a strong word but I really, really, really don’t like you”



(song is “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” By Plain White T’s)

This Blog is About Me

Read it in my bio or whatever it’s called,  “Started this for a girl,  continuing it for me. ” I started this blog so I’d have something to do while my ex spent hours working on her blog. Because I guess it was really that hard to not talk to her for such a period of time.  I started it mainly to just kill time and also maybe to show her I wasn’t just some gaming nerd but that I had a bit of an ability to write.  

I use this blog as a way to vent basically.  I use it to reflect on myself,  my life,  my worries and fears,  my constant times I change my mind about a view on something,  etc.  I don’t hold back anything on this blog.  I let everything out about myself.  I couldn’t care less what people think of me after reading this blog because I know that I’m writing the truth about myself.  So if they have a problem with that then just don’t read it.  

I know it seems like I use this to bash my exes (or ex in particular)  And I most certainly did that after the relationship ended.  You can clearly see I wasn’t in my right mind after it ended.  I won’t delete any of those posts so go ahead,  read them and see how badly I was hurt around the beginning of fall.  And how badly I reacted to it all. I don’t regret anything I said but It’s not like I’m proud of any of it.  

Though I did use this to bash my ex before…  I don’t do it anymore. My last post about not changing may seem like it was a way to throw in a few insults to my exes but honestly that’s not what I was intending to do.  It really was just me being concerned about myself.  Even though my last relationship was the only relationship I’ve ever taken seriously and it was actual love and all that good stuff.  It ended exactly like the relationship before it.  And contained things from all my past relationships. But the ending of it was such a shock,  and a disappointment to me.  And something I truly never saw coming. (maybe a little towards the end) that I categorize it as worse than any of my other relationships. It wasn’t even a teaching moment.  Because if it were,  it wouldn’t have been just like the relationship before it.  It would have been different. And I don’t know if I’ve learned anything from it because I haven’t had much if a chance to see yet.  So because of all that,  I blame myself for always dating the same types of girls.  That’s what I was saying in my last post.  It was just me blaming myself. 

Sleep

I’m starting to really appreciate a very simple thing in life,  sleep.  After a long day of stress and worrying, I can’t think of anything else I want more than to just lay down and let go.  

Let go of the worry. Let go of the things that I can’t stop thinking about.  Of the things that make my blood pressure rise and my head hurt from thought.  It’s exhausting,  and when I’m done with all of my homework and my day is over I can’t wait to just stop. 

I actually get excited each night when I can go to bed.  It’s kind of weird but I actually look forward to sleeping and I get happy as if it’s a fun,  exciting thing.  It’s just something that puts me at ease ao much.  To be able to lay there with nothing to worry about and nothing to have to do.  No homework,  no deadlines,  nothing.  Not until the next day.  All I have to do is lay there and close my eyes.  It’s so great.  

This all may sound dumb or exaggerated but it’s just something I have really appreciated lately.

The Past

As I lay awake, 5 hours before I’m supposed to wake up.  I’m reminded just how badly I’m unable to let go of the past.  What’s the reason for this?  Did something happen to cause my brain to work the way it does?  Have I always been like this?  

I feel like I remember so many things in the past that cause me to still lay awake thinking and getting upset about them.  I don’t even want to remember any of this so why can’t I just let go?  Sometimes I’ll randomly remember some embarrassing thing I did as a kid back in elementary school and I’ll actually feel embarrassed about it as if I just did it all over again.  

Maybe this is why I have anxiety.  Because I’m afraid I’ll create more embarrassing moments that I won’t be able to let go.  So I try to stay away from any opportunity that would lead to possible embarrassments.  

But I hate this so much.  Why can’t I just live a worry free life?  One where I can go to bed soundly each and every night and not be tormented by my past. 

I can remember things so clearly.  Rven things that have happened that are very happy memories but they make me sad now because I can’t enjoy them again.  

I don’t even know what could be done to fix this.  Medication can’t fix this can it?  I know I need anxiety medication really bad.  Maybe that would help.  I have no idea.  

Where I’m Living

I moved a crossed the state that I live in so that I could go to the university that I’m attending. The only reason I even applied to this university was solely because I thought my grandparents lived close to it and I thought it would be a great decision financially.  I also figured getting out of my home town for a little while might be good for me. (despite how much I love my home town.)  I figured I should try ti get away from the town that I’ve lived in all my life,  it’d be an adventure.  I also thought that pushing myself to move away and do new things might help me with my anxiety and maybe I’d be able to do more things now that I’ve experienced such a change…

Well I hate it here.  

As soon as I drove into this little town I knew I fucking hated it.  I’ve been here before many times but that was always when I was on vacation here to see my grandparents,  never to live.  You can go visit the shittiest of towns and still probably find something fun to do but it’s different if you’re living there.  It’s an old,  run down,  town full of rednecks and farmers and conservatives.  I’m a fucking hippy,  I’m from a super liberal,  peaceful,  organic food everywhere,  town and this place is nothing like that.  

And as far as the main reason why I even moved here,  so I didn’t have to pay for a dorm. No,  I don’t have to pay rent,  not yet anyways.  But as far as thinking my grandparents lived close to the university,  they live a fucking hour away.  I have to drive an hour every day just to go to class.  And Mondays and fridays I only have ONE CLASS. That’s only 50 minutes.  So I drive an hour there and back just so I can go to a 50 minute class. It’s a huge waste of time and gas money.  

Also in regards to driving to school,  The town that I live in is in a valley,  but you have to drive up a big hill and out of the valley in order to go to my school.  And the town my school is in snows a LOT in the winter.  My grandpa told me once you get out of the valley it’s like a different world.  And it definitely is but apparently it doesn’t usually even snow in the valley but just my love,  it’s snowed a ton here thia winter.  I couldn’t even go up the hill that our street is on today.  And driving to school is so fucking stressful.  Pretty sure it’s stressful for anybody but times that amount if stress a few times because I stress out over everything. 

I love my grandparents and they love me.  But they have lived here my whole life.  They haven’t gotten to really know me and I guess maybe they don’t understand me well.  I guess maybe I don’t understand them either.  We’re two differenf kinds of people and living here has been pretty uncomfortable for me.  I just feel like…  I can’t be myself here.  my room’s downstairs and my game systems are also downstairs so I’m down there a good amount of time. But I would be more than happy to come up here and hang out with them if they wanted me to. I just wake up kind of late and then I feel super anxious that they’ll judge me for doing that.  Then I get myself all anxious about them judging me on other things.  Then by the time I’m calmed down I realize they will probably judge me for being downstairs so long.  So I just stay down there.  If they were to call me to come upstairs  I totally would. I don’t want them to think I dislike them because I don’t.  I just don’t know them and I don’t feel comfortable being myself around them.  It fucking sucks,  all of it. 

I miss my home.  I visited my home town for about a month and I was so happy.  I used to be sad that I was alone back at home but now I know what true loneliness is being here because I have absolutely no one here.  All of my friends are back home.  Even if none of them want to hangout,  I would be HOME.  I can drive or walk around and visit my favorite places.  I can do anything and feel at peace and at home.  Here I can’t do anything.  I don’t know my way around and I just hate this town so why would I want to go anywhere.  

I can’t even make any friends because well one,  I can’t talk.  And two,  because I don’t stay in the town my school is in very long so there’s no way I could meet anyone or hangout unless I wanted to drive an hour just to do so.  I already kind of explained this last post though.  

I seriously cry myself to sleep maybe…4 of the 7 days of the week.  Last night I got like,  4 hours of sleep because of it. Because if stress,  because of bad memories,  because I really hate how my life has ended up.  I KNOW I’m very lucky to have the things I have.  To have a family that is willing to allow me to live with them.  To be able to have an education at a nice university.  I know,  so don’t tell me I’m ungrateful or that I’m sad over nothing.  Because I can be sad about anything I want.  I can dislike how my life has become.  I thought it’d be better by now and it hasn’t so I can and will be upset.  

I want to go home but this is life.  Not like going home will solve all my problems.  It won’t make my life suddenly better.  So I just have to deal with it.