My Girlfriend 

(I’m using the same pic as before because it’s so true) 

I know I wrote a little bit about her when we first started but I figured I should post an update.  Not sure what all I wrote before so hope I don’t repeat anything. 

She’s a breath of fresh air  There’s been times I find myself thinking we’re going to get into a fight because that’s just something I guess I was conditioned into doing before but then she just brushes it off whatever it is and we move on.  I had a problem in the beginning with getting defensive at times.  Like I went to my friend’s house who’s a girl and I didn’t even tell my girlfriend because I was used to fighting constantly the whole time I’m with my friends about how much I prioritize my attention.  So when I told her I was at my friend’s I started instantly trying to start a fight  and she’s just like what are you doing?  She doesn’t care when I’m with friends and she doesn’t get jealous.  which allows me to do the same.  No more stress,  just trust and a worry free relationship. 

I thought about this the other day;  that if my girlfriend broke up with me I would be very sad,  I’d miss her and miss seeing her.  But…  It wouldn’t stop me from living my life.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world.  And that’s because I made sure to tell myself over and over since the day we started going out that I don’t NEED her to be happy.  I don’t rely on her for anything actually. That’s the mistake I made before,  I  did something against my nature and that’s hold someone way high on the totem pole. I thought of my ex as my entire world and of course I do that now but not the same way.  When I think about her dumping me I don’t get watery eyed like I would have before.  I don’t worry myself to exhaustion each night about us ending.  And that doesn’t mean I don’t love her as much.  Not at all,  it just means I’ve matured.  I don’t rely on anyone to make me happy.  She makes me happy but I don’t need just her for me to be happy.  I have plenty other things that make me happy. 

 It’s a fucking great feeling having all the worries off my chest and to be able to just breathe.  To be able to just enjoy each day I have with her and not be scared about us ending.  I tell her everything.  No more keeping stuff to myself in fear of it starting a fight.  I can tell her everything and she’s understanding and doesn’t get mad.  When I go to my best friend’s house I am never on my phone because my girlfriend doesn’t like talking to me when I’m with my friend because she knows I don’t see him much.  She doesn’t care that I might not talk to her much that night.  Because she knows I’ll talk to her when I can.  

Not to mention she’s my age.  Older than me by 21 days.  Great to not have that be a factor in any of our fights or a reason for any of them.  She’s also very mature and that allows me to be mature as well.  

Just…  This is how it should be.  This is how a relationship should be like.  I got bad in my last one because that’s just how we were both conditioned to acting.  We were used to fighting,  jealousy,  holding things from each other,  etc.  But if I just make sure to start this relationship right and just close off all the bad shit before it gets bad then that’s how the relationship will be.  It’s like training a dog,  you stop their bsd behavior before they keep doing it and they don’t know it’s bad.  That’s what went wrong before.  We didn’t stop our bad behavior and it got worse.  I hope the same won’t happen this time. 

She’s the anti-mainstream,  non conforming girlfriend that I’ve been waiting for.  She tells people what she thinks and she doesn’t act like somebody else.  she’s the opposite of fake for sure. 

Anyways so wow,  this year started off so bad but look where I am now.  Look how much can change.  If you’re not n a bad spot in life just take a breath and wait.  Don’t do something drastic because I promise things will change.  

(by the way apparently this is my hundredth post so that’s cool.) 

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My Trip: Day 17, Going home 

July 9th,  2017

Nothing to do today but fly and sit in airports.  I left our hotel in a taxi to the hotel as I said goodbye to Bucharest and soon to Europe altogether.  This was the trip of a lifetime and I probably won’t get another trip like this until I’m retired or have a long vacation from my future career. 

Travelling was an extremely fun and new experience that I will never forget.  It showed me what it’s like on the other side of the planet.  How different people live outside of America.  It made me feel small compared to this vast planet we live in. Discovery channel never really cut it for me in terms of showing how others live in Europe.  experiencing it in person is the real way of learning. Thia year has been so great so far.  I met my girlfriend and learned that my life wasn’t ao bad.  I traveled outside of the country and I lived on the other side of the state and experienced that.  I’ve really pushed myself to try new things and I’m proud of myself.  There’s more planned for me this year.  I hope to see my girlfriend this summer and I hope to go to Vegas for my 21st birthday in November and I plan to go skydiving.  I plan to go back to school in my hometown and find a job I can stay at for a long period.  

I have many plans for the future and I believe this year is the start of it all.  I needed to get travelling out of the way and broaden my horizon a little before I narrowed my sights back on school.  I needed this trip for sure.  Now all I need ia to see my girlfriend and I will be set on beginning my life.  

The first hour and a half flight was a breeze. The security in Istanbul was a breeze,  I got a pretty good sandwich and then we didn’t have to wait long for the next flight either. I got onto the next plane and remembered me and my grandma are sitting in row of three with nobody between us.  So far travelling today has been very easy.  Ans this is our long flight.  And it seems like it’ll go well.  Also I was looking at this picture of a cat I took on my trip and then I heard this meowing and I thought I was going crazy but really a passenger brought like,  three cats in their carriers and they’re meowing a lot because they’re scared.  I took a picture of one in it’s little carrier thing.  So cute.  It’s going to be meowing all flight. 

Ugh so we went on the first two flights,  one was 1 1/2 hours,  one was 10 hours.  Then our one we just got off of was 4 hours.  Too much flying for me.  Grandma didn’t plan well with the taxi at all of course.  So we’re just sitting around and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

I’ll be glad to be rid of all that once I get home.  I’m tired and just want to rest.  But this has been a good trip and I’m lucky to have been able to go.  

My Trip: Day 15

No wake up call,  no schedule really,  most of the people from the tour already left and are on their long flights heading home or wherever they’re heading. We head downstairs to have breakfast and a couple people from our tour are still here.  enough for us all to sit at a table.  Feels weird not seeing everyone that’s usually here.  I feel kind of sad actually.  It’s like…  The people I’ve seen every morning for the past two weeks are gone.  I’ll probably never see them again.  It’s oddly sad to me.  

Getting up early and having to rush to eat our breakfast and get on the bus.  I really loved that for some weird reason.  Maybe I feel sad  because I’m used to that schedule and I’m a guy who once I get in a pattern and schedule, I stick to it.  So I feel sad because I’m out of schedule right now and it feels wrong.  Not seeing anyone from our group anywhere,  not having a certain time to have to get ready for.  I feel weird about it all.  I kind of feel like how you feel after you finish a show after binging it on Netflix or maybe watching it every week for years.  You get used to the habit of seeing it at a certain time or you get used to the characters being around you but once you finish it you start to feel sad because it’s like they’re gone.  That’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling.  

I keep thinking about what’s happening next.  Because on the tour, we were in a different country almost everyday.  We woke up around 6 everyday after the wake up call in the room.  We’d hurry and get dressed and then we’d hurry and eat our fancy breakfast.  Then we’d all get on that coach bus of ours,  ready to see what’s next. Something very different each day.  That’s so against my nature but for some reason I loved not knowing what we’d see next.  I loved being in that schedule and pattern,  hearing the plans from Mario as we drove out of the city we’d stay in.  Ugh,  This is a weird feeling I’m having.  I wonder if there’s a word for it. It kind of also feels like a break up in a way.  Looking at the pictures of my trip and wishing I could go into the picture and live it again.  Very weird feeling. 

Well,  since we have no schedule and we have already ventured through Sofia,  where we’re staying.  we’re just hanging out in our room for a little bit.  fortunately we only have about an hour flight today.  Not even that bad.  I thought we’d a have a lot of travelling but I guess the place we’re going isn’t far.  We’re going to be there a night I think?  Hopefully.  Then we leave and have an extremely long day of travelling that I’m so not looking forward to.  

I miss my girlfriend.  Haven’t been able to skype her here because I share a room with my grandma and I don’t want her listening.  The time zone difference is crazy between me and her.  It’s usually 3 hours but now it’s much more.  

I’ve just been laying in my hotel room for hours.  I’m kinda of done with this trip.  I’ve had an amazing experience that I’ll never forget but I’m just wanting to go home now.  Not much else I’m interested in where we’re going.  I don’t think a 10ish hour car ride tomorrow is going to be worth it.  Wish we could have left when everyone else did.  But oh well,  nothing I can do but just try to enjoy the time I have left in Europe. 

Getting on and off the plane was pretty easy. It was only an hour flight and it barely took any time at all.  We arrived in Bucharest and we got a taxi ride to our hotel.  The taxi driver was incredibly nice and offered to stop for us to get water and he told us where things were and stuff.  But he ended up charging us more than necessary I think.  The currency here is about 3-4 times an American dollar.  

the night life here is great.  Music playing everywhere you go. There’s a bar right outsidw our room and I think the music will be playing all night probably.  I really think this place would be almost as good as Split,  Croatia but my grandma wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone.  In Split I peft her at the hotel and walked alone outside while people were partying and I wanted so bad to do that here but she wouldn’t just go back to the hotel room.  But oh well,  I got some good pictures and I walked a decent amount evem if it was slow having to wait for her old ass. 

The people here are really nice. The girl behind the desk in the hotel said she’d get us breakfast to go because we’re getting a tour early in the morning before their breakfast.  I want to come back to this city by myself or with some friends.  I really like it here for some reason. 

Well,  it was a long day and mainly didn’t do anything but the things I did do were fun so that’s good.  Dracula castle tour for tomorrow and then coming home the next day. 

My Trip: Day 9

Ugh waking up early after a night of staying up late wasn’t fun.  But we all managed to eat breakfast and get to the bus within…  Very little time.  

We were in the bus for about two hours before making a stop.  Then we crossed a border and that took a while.  And that pretty much summed up most of what we did today,  cross borders and sit in a bus.  

Well sort of,  we actually stopped in a place in Montenegro.  Can’t remember the name but it was pretty damn cool.  They were known for having cats I guess.  There were a good amount of stray cats walking around and they had a cat museum.  I saw a cute little kitten that had to be a couple months old and it was just walking around.  It was so cute,  I seriously contemplated taking it.  But I figured that’d be frowned upon.  

Me and the three girls ate at a restaurant and the thing to remember when eating out here is that they are really slow and take their time getting your food to you and all that.  We had two and a half hours to kill and ended up with only an hour.  But the food was good.  Actually it was just alright.  We got ice cream too,  I got raspberry I think.  I didn’t go into the cat museum unfortunately but I kind of wanted to.  I did get two postcards though,  one with cats on it and one with just the city.  I see the picture of the postcard now and it was Kotor,  Montenegro.  Very popular tourist attraction.  With cats,  I highly recommend 

That was the highlight of our day.  Pretty much the rest was just on the bus.  It’s hard to sleep on the bus too so I’m exhausted right now.  We got to our hotel at 8 and we had to eat dinner at 8:15. Afterwards I just went to my room and took a shower.  I’ve been sweating so much in this hot temperature.  But I heard it’s going to start cooling down where we are now.  

Tomorrow I don’t have to get up too early.  We will take a tour and then go someplace else.  I don’t really like the area we’re in now to be honest. I don’t even remember the name.  And I don’t really like our local guide, he’s a bit boring and he tells bad jokes. 

My Trip: Day 7 

Woke up early again,  or right around the time I’m supposed to.  Clearly my circadian rhythm is adjusted to this time zone now.  Went down and had breakfast.  It was way better than the dinner I had in the hotel last night.  I guess they are just better at making breakfast than they are at making dinner in this hotel.  Anyways I’m getting on the bus in half an hour and we’re going to go on a bus tour around Sarajevo.  Then we drive another couple hours back into Croatia through a couple border crossings again and we will end up in Dubrovnik.  I hear a lot of game of throne scenes were shot here so I hope I can get some pictures for my friend who watches that show.  I don’t watch it so I’ll probably find it hard finding the places to take the pictures. I hear we won’t be walking a whole lot today.  So that’s sort of good,  I don’t mind sitting in the bus and getting bus tours.  But the pictures are much better when we’re walking.  

We took the bus tour to a tunnel that was used here in Sarajevo.  They used to it get items in and out of here when the Serbs were holding this entire area under siege.  It was very interesting to crouch and walk under the little tunnel and to wonder how hard it would be to walk a lot longer than the ways we did.  It was interesting and scary to think about the town being surrounded.  Being shot if you walked outside.  Makes us see a different side of things,  we don’t have it this bad at all in the US.  

the unique tour guide was our guide again and he showed us a video of the people walking through the tunnel and also the town being attacked and buildings being shot by tanks and snipers. 

It’s been a long day.  Made a couple stops at a few little restaurants to eat or use the restroom  but mostly just sat in the bus the entire day.  For some reason the hours go by fast though.  We traveled from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik.  Crossed several borders while also learning about things that we pass.  Now I’m sitting in the hotel room which is sort of different from the others we’ve had.  I’m just glad the bathroom is seperate from the main room.  Because I don’t think I’ll be able to do that again. This room is pretty nice,  at least the view is and this hotel is hugeeeee,  probably the biggest I’ve been in.  

In an hour and a half we eat dinner in the hotel and Mario said it’s a huge buffet.  Most of the dinners and breakfasts we’ve had have been buffets but that’s alright.  It’s probably easier for them because we just can choose what we want to eat.  But apparently this one in particular is big.

I sat by the girls my age in the bus but we didn’t say anything. Grandma is trying hardcore to get me to hang out with them.  I’m not gonna just push myself at them begging for their attention.  If they ask me to go somewhere then of course I’ll go.  But I can’t tell if they even like me or want to hang out with me.  My grandma kept on talking about her not being sure what the girls were going.  Girls this and girls that.  Like I’ll hang out with them if they ask.  I don’t want my grandma arranging play dates for me. But one of the girls friended me on facebook,  oh actually right this second she asked if I wanna go to the beach.  I’m sure their aunt made her invite me but I won’t question it.  Better than being around here all night.  

I went with them to the beach.  I didn’t wear my swim suit because I’m scared of swimming in oceans and lakes and all that. Fear of the unknown.  But I layed down on a chair by their aunt and grandma.  It was super nice,  perfect weather.  The girls asked me to take a few pictures of them so I did.  One of the girls,  actually the one who wanted all the pictures.  Reminded me of my ex regarding getting her picture taken.  Always posing and wanting pictures taken of her.  Seemed a little high maintenance.  I really like her sister though,  even though she’s quiet and I’m not sure if she likes me. 

I had fun.  Oh and they even asked me to sit by them.  Well I guess the nice one did.  I doubt the two sisters would have but oh well.  The one who sent me a friend request is nice,  she’s talkative.  I’m happy I’m not totally alone on this trip anymore.  I’ve been sitting alone,  standing alone,  everything alone other than with my grandma.  Which I’d rather be alone than that.  Hopefully the girls keep inviting me places. 

Tomorrow we go on another tour around Dubrovnik.  This place is fucking beautiful.  I need to get some pictures of the game of thrones scene settings for my friend. 

My Trip: Day 5

We begin our day at 7. When we have yet another amazing breakfast at our hotel.  It was funny because a lot of French people are in this hotel for whatever reason.  And a French woman dropped her toast on the ground.  She couldn’t find it and one the people on our tour pointed it out to her.  She picked it up and she blew on it and put it on her plate.  And us Americans were saying no no don’t eat it.  Because we as a society are trained to be scared of germs.  The Lady smiled and walked over to us and said,  “in France we have a saying,  “the little bugs don’t eat the big ones” Meaning the little germs or bugs won’t hurt. It’s funny how different cultures and people from different countries can be.  We’re freaking out about her eating the toast that touched the ground while she just blows on it and walks off.  Not sure if I mentioned yesterday but we’re in Zadar,  Croatia. Which is right on the water.  It’s very apparent how Mediterranean this place is.  Lot’s of seafood and olive oil.  Very different vibe eating the Dinner hear compared to the other sode of Croatia that we were before.  Extremely interesting to see such a chance in people,  food,  culture,  just by going to anothet side of a mountain.  Anyways today we’re heading somewhere else.  Not sure where but I think it’s still sea side.  

We took a tour of downtown Zadar.  The guide we had was very smart and very helpful.  He answered every question we had.  Our plan was to take a tour from one part to another and then we had two hours to walk around and have free time.  Then we were to meet where we started.  Well with a group of a bunch of old people I’m very surprised we even made it back.  

My grandma was trying to rely on some map.  She wanted to get some sea salt from the local Adriatic ocean.  She asked the guide where we could get some and he pointed it on the map.  That’s it,  and she thought she could remember where it was somehow.  To make a long story short she was being fucking annoying.  Okay I’m gonna tell the lomg story anyways for my future self to read later.  She was relying on the map but she didn’t know what the hell she was doing.  I was trying to relax and just see the sights.  No rush,  no pushing my head into a map pretending like I understand it.  She said she’d follow me but she clearly didn’t trust my instincts.  Which was what I was relying on of course.  The area is very small and there’s a main road/alley thing that would lead us directly to the end.  So I was just trying to find that alley.  She kept looking for stupid ass landmarks.  Then we met this other old lady who was just wandering around,  completely clueless.  And we took her with us.  I knew the direction we were having to go but we weren’t on that road so I didn’t know for sure where we were.  They kept questioning me and that dumb old lady is like,  “now don’t tell me you’re lost. ” like okay lady,  we found you in the middle of the town just wandering alone.  You would most definitely not find your way back and the fact you’re alone with no partner to get lost with you is beyond me.  But I got us to the area we needed to go.  

But throwing that negativity away,  (I won’t always vent about my grandma on this.) We went on the tour and it was pretty amazing.  The town is built several feet above where it used to be and they have clear Plexiglas floors so you can see the old road.  And there is several old stumps of pillers that used to be there.  And there were a couple intact.  One had a chain on it where they used to chain petty criminals there from 1-3 days depending on the crime.  And something way more amazing is at the end we got to this giant circle on the ground made entirely of solar panels.  And durinh the day it soaks up the energy and at night the whole thing glows up. It’s supposed to represent the sun and there’s also 9 of the planets. and at night they all glow up.  I wish I could have seen that.  Oh and another crazy thing was the sea organ.  The first and only sea organ thwy created using the steps that are by the ocean.  They incline and a step is taken each every certain feet.  And there’s some sort of contraption where the wind blows into these holes that are in the edge of the land and then water goes into it as well and the pressure of the water and depending on the wind speeds there will be a harmonic noise that’s created.  It definitely doesn’t create an actual harmony or rhythm of music but the sounds are still very aoft and calming.  It was only a little windy but the guide said when it gets really windy it can get very loud.  It was so interesting and I feel lucky to see the only sea organ on the planet.  

The last thing is that the guide told us there were these sort of things in the air that are found in antidepressants as well.  I can’t recall the word but yeah.  Something to do with the water and the salt and stuff.  Creates a special kind of air.  It was amazing to hear that kind of thing.  Honestly I wouldn’t mind living there.  He said they have very very few pollution because they had no major factories or any type of thing like that.  The air and water are both so clean.  I didn’t find a whole lot interesting at Zegrab but here at Zadar I really felt good here and liked it.  

We are back on the bus,  it’s 1:00pm and we wre heading to a place called Split.  We will go on another tour and then eat dinner.  

We arrived in Split. The guide said the streets are too small for our coach bus to drive so we will tae a walking tour later this evening. We have to get up super early tomorrow.  Wake up call is 6am.  Breakfast at 6:30 and then we have to leave again by 7:30. that’s basically what we  do each morning.  Wake up,  put our bags out into the hall for the guys to take to the bus,  eat breakfast,  check out,  then get back on our bus to drive somewhere else.  Usually to the tour of the city we are staying in and then we leave the city to go somewhere else in or out of the current country.  Tomorrow we don’t get a tour because we take it tonight.  Tomorrow is a couple hours in the bus and then we cross the border to Bosnia.  We only stay in Bosnia for 24 hours before we come back to Croatia.  

I really love this trip.  Seeing such new things,  experiencing a totally different world.  Basically being treated like royalty by waiters who bring ua food.  Not really,  I guess out waiters in America treat us well too.  I just feel different here.  I really love having to eat and be ready to get back on the bus.  I love arriving to new areas but I also love getting back on the bus to go to the next destination.  I love the feeling of excitement for what I will see and eat next.  This is truly a life changing experience.  

We had a tour of Split,  Croatia.  Mainly on this old emperor’s palace and we learned about stuff he’s done.  Then we had dinner that was okay.  Wasn’t my favorite but oh well.  I wanted to walk around on the sea side.  It was amazing weather and the temperature was just so nice.  But my grandma has it in her head that I need her to be with me at all times.  And I don’t.  I’d rather be doing this trip alone.  But anyways she was being so annoying so I just walked her back to the hotel and I left her there to go back down to the water.  It was great walking around seeing all the vendors.  I got a phone case that I sort of regret getting cause it kind of sucks but oh well.  I just walked non stop.  I had a great time.  Now I’m up late and I have to get up early so I better sleep. 

Life Update 

I have spent the summer so far being a lazy piece of shit with way too much time on my hands.  I spend each morning applying to jobs that never call me back after an interview because I’m such an awkward person apparently.  I spend the rest of my time dwelling on my low self-esteem thoughts about how behind I am in my academic career basically only because I failed one class out of all the classes I’ve taken and it has taken me way back.  If I pushed myself from the very start I could have gotten my bachelor’s by now.  I could be an intern or something.  I could be living alone right now instead of my mom’s basement.  

I still find myself dwelling on the past occasionally.  Maybe that’s just apart of who I am. Just think about if things in my life happened differently.  It’s stupid and a waste of time to think about that stuff but I do anyways.  I don’t know if I’ve always done this or not.  I think I have,  just thought of the past a lot.  

The college in my home town rejected me.  I don’t know if it was cause so many people were applying or if they didn’t want me.  But I was heavily relying on them accepting me. I needed them to.  I can reapply and I will definitely do that But I guess I will just go back to the community college to get my associates.  It won’t feel like I earned it at all  I wouldn’t have felt proud of myself for earning it anyways but now I really don’t feel proud.  It’s taken a whole extra year.  I could have gotten it a year ago.  Instead I wasted a whole year going to the university on the other side of my state.  I don’t think that benefitted me at all academically.  Probably lowered my GPA even more there.  Probably why I didn’t get accepted into the other one in my town. 

Me and my new girlfriend are doing fine.  Seems like we are already getting into a little drama.  even though it’s only been a month.  Not super bad drama or anything.  Just little tiny things we go through occasionally.  It’s usually my fault.  I just get defensive and think she’s trying to fight me.  And I get into these moods that I really shouldn’t be getting into so soon.  I just get cranky but I didn’t start doinf this with my ex this soon.  speaking of her,  I bring up my ex a little more than I need to.  Like way more than I need to.  she doesn’t need to brought up at all.  My girlfriend was looking at my facebook pictures and she saw a comment my ex left on one so she made the mistake of looking at my exes pictures which she still has pictures of me and her.  So I felt pretty bad about that.  I’d be really upset if I saw pictures of her with her ex. 

Another thing about this relationship is it just feels different.  I’m not sure what it is but my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I get her texts.  I get happy when I Skype her but…  It just feels different. Doesn’t feel like it used to.  Maybe it takes a little bit for the love to really set in.  Maybe I’m just a different person and subconsciously I don’t want to give everything to someone just so they will leave me.  wow I never knew I’d be that person.  the one afraid to love again.  

I hope this will turn into a productive year for me because I’m running out of time.  I need to have more money and responsibility if I’m ever going to have the life I’ve dreamed of.  I feel like things have gotten in the way the last few years and I just need to make the most of what I have and push myself.  I don’t feel like I’ve pushed myself enough.