Step 1: You won’t
Today’s been a pretty good last day with the people of the tour. We woke up and we had a decent breakfast in the hotel. Then we all gathered to go out and walk to the market. This was the only annoying part of the day.
I was expecting this to be a day where we all just split up and do our own thing. But they were trying to make it a big group deal. It was fucking annoying because we just wanted to go shopping while the old farts wanted to go see the museum and stuff. And us young kids were using our phones to lead them to where they wanted to go. But all they did was complain the whole time about how they thought we were not going the right direction. They were over there looking at their maps and the position of the sun while we were using our GPS. A long story short, we got there and we left them there.
Me, the girls, and their grandma and aunt all walked to the market area and we looked at all the shops. One of the girls is really, really bossy and she tries to make her younger sister do everything. I feel bad for the sister because she gets annoyed and I feel like she thinks everyone takes her older sister’s side. When really I’m taking hers. Then she kind of pouts and walks with the grandma the whole day. Which is slightly immature but I kind of don’t blame her.
Anyways, I bought a wallet made out of a German newspaper that was made in the 30s. Plus some other stuff like magazines and stuff. The stuff in the store was made entirely out of recycled material. I really liked it actually. And my wallet is really cool.
We walked about 7 hours and we took the subway back to our hotel. Then I just kind of rested and took a shower and then we went downstairs to have a beer.
Then at 6:50 we all gathered around the lobby and got ready to get on a bus to take us to our restaurant we’re having our goodbye dinner at. Still can’t believe this is the last night with these people. The days have gone by so so fast.
The dinner was good but maybe not as good as ao was thinking it’d be. I was hoping it’d be more like the Vienna vineyards like the first night we stayed here. It wasn’t as good and we only go one glass of wine so… What’s even the point.
No but the food was good and we got to spend our last moments with our new friends. As were given several courses of food and also got to watch the entertainers dancing and singing. They also danced in fire or something like that but I didn’t get to see that part.
All in all, it was a good last night. Many memories were made on this trip and I’m so happy I went.
This isn’t officially my last day of the trip but it pretty much is the last day because for the next couple days it’ll just be me and my grandma. It won’t be that fun anymore.
Ugh… Today will sort of suck but I hope it will be a good end to the tour. I hope to get a picture of me and Mario and maybe Charlie. I don’t know why I’m so sad to say bye. Maybe it’s because I know I’ll never see Mario again and he was an extremely good tour guide. He went above and beyond to make us satisfied. He went on his own to buy gluten free noodles to bring to the restaurant that we were going to so they could cook it for someone who was gluten free in the group. Plus he was just funny and nice.
Plus I was pretty much relying on being able to spend my time with the girls and after we don’t get tours any more I’m not sure if we even stay as a group anymore. So I’ll be stuck with my grandma. This isn’t my last day in Europe but it’s the last day of being on the bus and being guided by Mario and driven by Charlie. We stay in Sophia a couple days and then we all go our separate ways. Me and my grandma will go to where the Dracula’s castle is set and then we go home Sunday I think.
Tonight, two of the girls and a couple people in our group will be playing a concert in the symphony. Because that’s basically what this entire trip was based around. The symphony playing a concert. That might be a good end to the tour.
We went on a little tour of Sophia. Went into a few old churches and we walked through a nice park that had sculptures and playground equipment. Afterwards we were on our own to roam the city and if we wanted we could come back to a meeting spot and take the bus back to the motel. Or we could just wander off and find the hotel later. I went and followed the girls of course and they wanted to go take the bus back which I was glad about because I wanted to leave my sweatshirt on the bus. So we walked around and we stopped at a café and the girls got pizza and I was going to get a RedBull but apparently they were out. So I got water which was probably a more nutritious alternative.
That café took most of our time because as I’ve said before, don’t get food in Europe if you’re in a rush. They move at a very slow pace. They expect you to spend hours there.
Well we had like half an hour left so the girls got ice cream and I just followed them. It’s weird with those girls. Sometimes they ask me to come with and sometimes they just do stuff and I don’t know if I should just follow them or ask to go with them or what. My social skills are clearly shit but I just feel like I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I do stuff alone because they didn’t ask me to go and I don’t want to just follow them around. I feel like they don’t want me to go with them sometimes.
An hour before the concert we came down to the lobby of the hotel so that we could all say goodbye to Mario and Charlie. They arranged some drinks for us all and we gave them gifts and tips for the wonderful service they provided us the past two weeks. Mario seriously did everything to make sure we had a good trip. He was a great tour guide. I’m so glad my first trip to Europe was lead by such a great guy. And he had to cancel his next tour he was supposed to guide because his wife in Korea is very sick and he has to go see her. So even knowing that, he still was happy and cheerful around us and he made sure we were happy. Very sad to have to say buy to them. But I got a picture of them so I will remember them forever.
The symphony concert was okay, I’m just not big on that kind of music I guess. Plus I was tired and my head hurt so none of that went well together. I only ate breakfast and nothing else and this concert ended at like, 8:30 so I was pretty hungry. The girl’s grandma and her sister are super nice and try to include me in everything which I’m grateful for even though I’m not sure if it’s what the girls want. But nevertheless the grandma and aunt asked me if I wanted to go eat and I said sure so we just sat outside of the motel in the dining area and I ordered a burger and the girls just ordered some desserts. The burger I ordered turned out to be pretty big but I guess it was good. We sat outside for a couple of hours just talking and enjoying the cool weather. The waitress brought out these battery powered lights and put them on each table so we all wouldn’t be sitting in the dark.
It was a good end to the day. Relaxing and peaceful and full of laughs. Tomorrow we arrange our time, no more Mario to do it for us. We’re going to some church and then I guess we have free time for the rest of the day. I’ll try to spend it with the girls. They just walk around and shop for stuff.
Ugh waking up early after a night of staying up late wasn’t fun. But we all managed to eat breakfast and get to the bus within… Very little time.
We were in the bus for about two hours before making a stop. Then we crossed a border and that took a while. And that pretty much summed up most of what we did today, cross borders and sit in a bus.
Well sort of, we actually stopped in a place in Montenegro. Can’t remember the name but it was pretty damn cool. They were known for having cats I guess. There were a good amount of stray cats walking around and they had a cat museum. I saw a cute little kitten that had to be a couple months old and it was just walking around. It was so cute, I seriously contemplated taking it. But I figured that’d be frowned upon.
Me and the three girls ate at a restaurant and the thing to remember when eating out here is that they are really slow and take their time getting your food to you and all that. We had two and a half hours to kill and ended up with only an hour. But the food was good. Actually it was just alright. We got ice cream too, I got raspberry I think. I didn’t go into the cat museum unfortunately but I kind of wanted to. I did get two postcards though, one with cats on it and one with just the city. I see the picture of the postcard now and it was Kotor, Montenegro. Very popular tourist attraction. With cats, I highly recommend
That was the highlight of our day. Pretty much the rest was just on the bus. It’s hard to sleep on the bus too so I’m exhausted right now. We got to our hotel at 8 and we had to eat dinner at 8:15. Afterwards I just went to my room and took a shower. I’ve been sweating so much in this hot temperature. But I heard it’s going to start cooling down where we are now.
Tomorrow I don’t have to get up too early. We will take a tour and then go someplace else. I don’t really like the area we’re in now to be honest. I don’t even remember the name. And I don’t really like our local guide, he’s a bit boring and he tells bad jokes.
I have spent the summer so far being a lazy piece of shit with way too much time on my hands. I spend each morning applying to jobs that never call me back after an interview because I’m such an awkward person apparently. I spend the rest of my time dwelling on my low self-esteem thoughts about how behind I am in my academic career basically only because I failed one class out of all the classes I’ve taken and it has taken me way back. If I pushed myself from the very start I could have gotten my bachelor’s by now. I could be an intern or something. I could be living alone right now instead of my mom’s basement.
I still find myself dwelling on the past occasionally. Maybe that’s just apart of who I am. Just think about if things in my life happened differently. It’s stupid and a waste of time to think about that stuff but I do anyways. I don’t know if I’ve always done this or not. I think I have, just thought of the past a lot.
The college in my home town rejected me. I don’t know if it was cause so many people were applying or if they didn’t want me. But I was heavily relying on them accepting me. I needed them to. I can reapply and I will definitely do that But I guess I will just go back to the community college to get my associates. It won’t feel like I earned it at all I wouldn’t have felt proud of myself for earning it anyways but now I really don’t feel proud. It’s taken a whole extra year. I could have gotten it a year ago. Instead I wasted a whole year going to the university on the other side of my state. I don’t think that benefitted me at all academically. Probably lowered my GPA even more there. Probably why I didn’t get accepted into the other one in my town.
Me and my new girlfriend are doing fine. Seems like we are already getting into a little drama. even though it’s only been a month. Not super bad drama or anything. Just little tiny things we go through occasionally. It’s usually my fault. I just get defensive and think she’s trying to fight me. And I get into these moods that I really shouldn’t be getting into so soon. I just get cranky but I didn’t start doinf this with my ex this soon. speaking of her, I bring up my ex a little more than I need to. Like way more than I need to. she doesn’t need to brought up at all. My girlfriend was looking at my facebook pictures and she saw a comment my ex left on one so she made the mistake of looking at my exes pictures which she still has pictures of me and her. So I felt pretty bad about that. I’d be really upset if I saw pictures of her with her ex.
Another thing about this relationship is it just feels different. I’m not sure what it is but my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I get her texts. I get happy when I Skype her but… It just feels different. Doesn’t feel like it used to. Maybe it takes a little bit for the love to really set in. Maybe I’m just a different person and subconsciously I don’t want to give everything to someone just so they will leave me. wow I never knew I’d be that person. the one afraid to love again.
I hope this will turn into a productive year for me because I’m running out of time. I need to have more money and responsibility if I’m ever going to have the life I’ve dreamed of. I feel like things have gotten in the way the last few years and I just need to make the most of what I have and push myself. I don’t feel like I’ve pushed myself enough.
Today’s the last night that I will be living with my grandparents. Tomorrow I drive the boring, 8 hour drive back home. Never to return here, to live anyways. I can’t help but feel really bad. I know they think it’s their fault that I’m leaving. I just don’t know how to explain to them about myself. My anxiety and just my incapability to live away from my home town. I was never able to really explain to them about it all. I know that I’ll leave them with unanswered questions and I feel really bad about that.
I just need to find my way in life. I know in my heart that this isn’t it. I didn’t do well in school here at all because I was so focused on doing what I felt that they expected of me. I was on a schedule each day that I set myself to fit what they just expected me to do. I stayed upstairs with them each night because I was scared to go downstairs and hear them ask me why I’m not staying to watch the next show with them.
In no way did they expect me to do anything but succeed in school, which was ironically the only thing I failed at. Instead I just tried to follow the daily pattern that my irrational thoughts kept me doing. I just need to go home, get a job, and really take a step back and look at what I need to do. Maybe I’ll take a year off to work, I know for sure I’m going to retake the stats class I failed. I need my Associates degree at the very least. I know what my major is, I know my main goal. At least I will always have that. I guess It’s good I’m not like some kids just trying to figure out what they want to do. I’ve had this goal since high school and I’ve stuck to it. I guess that’s something.
I have a couple plans for this year that will require me to go out of my comfort zone. I’m looking forward to them and hope that they will provide me with experiences and stories to tell. I hope this year will be possibly a life changing one. At the very least it will open my eyes a little I hope.
Here’s to new beginnings.
I have a best friend who has been my friend ever since kindergarten. Now when you hear someone say something like that I’m sure you would expect their friendship to be this extremely strong bond with unconditional trust and reliability. But I don’t really think that’s what we have. Sure, I would do anything for him and I know that he cares about me and we have shared most of our life together. We have many stories and experiences that we share. I have said he will be my best man at my wedding pretty much ever since kindergarten and I know he’ll be my best friend till I die.
But we just don’t share a mutual feeling of dependability or something… We don’t tell each other things that you’d expect us to seek one anothet first about. We really never talk about our personal lives at all. There have been a couple times where I’ve vented to him when things have gotten really bad with me but I can count those times on one hand. I don’t think he’s ever really self disclosed with me or vented about anything to me.
And another thing about him is he has a lying problem. He always has had this thing where he tells these random facta about something that are completely untrue and he just makes them up out of no where and he tells them as if they’re facts. There’s no reason for him to even say them but he does. I’ve known him long enough so that I just brush it off and say “oh really” to him when I know whatever he said was total bullshit. I never really saw a problem with it other than it being annoying but I see now that it’s resulted in actual lies and him not even thinking twice about it when he lies to my face.
So what I’m getting at here is he had this girlfriend for four years. All through high school. She was his first girlfriend and he actually moved in with her because his parents flat out left him when they moved to Hawaii. We all thought it was a bad idea but not like he had much of a choice. But anyways, the girlfriend was/is a total bitch who didn’t let him hang out with any of his friends. She was always super rude to us and she just clearly had some major problems. We all didn’t like her and she really just fucked mine and his friendship up a little during high school. We didn’t think they’d ever break up because he was stuck. He lived with her, where else would he move if they broke up?
Well when his parents moved back he actually did break up with her. I remember exactly when he told me and how utterly happy I was. I thought it was an end to a long lasting era that had gone on far too long. I felt like the land of Oz when the house fell on the Wicked Witch of the East. I felt so proud of him for finally doing it because I knew he had/has so much potential to find a really good girlfriend. He’s a fucking fire fighter. Girls love fire fighters.
But anyways, After about three years of her gone. I am going to college and I come back for Christmas break. He sends a wrong text to me that was saying he was hanging out with me. Then he told me that was supposed to go to his mom and that it waa easier to say that than to say he was at the fire station. which wasn’t true. I knew he was lying but I just didn’t know why. that’s how bad of a liar he is. That I can suspect he’s lying but not know why. Anyways, after many many more lies he told right to my face. I found out he’s back with his girlfriend. she’s the reason why we barely hung out this last time I was in town. And it’s been since November that they’ve been together. He hasn’t told me once, nor has he told his parents. I don’t think he’s told anyone but I’m not sure. He lies to me over and over so much that I have no idea what’s true anymore. It’s sad, I feel bad for him to feel like he’s in a relationship that nobody supports and he has to lie about it. He’s been in a secret relationship since fucking November, how sad is that. Plus I feel bad that he thinks she’s the only one who’ll date him. He can do SO MUCH BETTER. She’s the only love he’s known, he doesn’t understand how much better it can be. Which I understand that he’d feel that way. I just feel bad about it still.
But the fact he lies to me really pisses me off. What has all these years we’ve been best friends even been for if he can’t even tell me. I’m pissed he’s with her but I’m even more pissed he’s lying. I told him when I got back with my ex and he told me he wasn’t happy about it. Did I do it anyways? YUP Should I have listened to him and not gone back with her? YUP. But I did it anyways, at least I told him though! He could tell me and I’d show my disapproval but he could just do it anyways and get his life fucked like I did. Doesn’t have to result in lying though. It’s fucking sad that I can’t trust my own best friend. I’m supposed to trust him more than anyone else.
I have trust issues enough. It’s bad enough having no trust in anyone but the fact I can’t trust my own best friend makes it even worse.
If you tell little white lies and you tell yourself it’s fine because they’re not super big lies or anything. Well I’d advise you to try to stop. White lies are dangerous, because you tell them occasionally but you’ll always end up telling them more and more until it’s easy to tell them. Until you’re making up lies to cover other lies. Or until you’re lying and not even thinking about it. that’s what’s happened to my friend and it’s also what happened to my ex. So really try to push yourself not to even tell white lies. Just be honest, Speak the truth, say what’s on your mind. It’ll end up better for you, I promise.