Happy Three Year

Wow.  Well considering how fucked up I was last new years I’d say this one is a step up.  This year has been a pretty damn good one.  I drove home for good from the eastern side of my state where I was going to University.  I regret going to the university.  I feel like it was a big waste of time but I guess I’m glad I went way out of my comfort zone to go there alone.

But as soon as I arrived home I feel like things started to look up for me.  I met my new girlfriend who I have learned from past mistakes not to treat like shit.  I feel like I just am done with all that.  Got it out of my system,  no more jealousy.  It’s a very nice feeling.

I went to Europe for TWO WEEKS.  Going to Europe has been something I’ve wanted for a very long time and it exceeded my expectations.  I fell in love with everything there.  Taking that big bus across many countries in Europe.  It was a dream come true.

I saw went to many concerts including my two favorite artists,  Green day and Mumford and sons.  I also saw U2, and City and Colour.  Seeing green day was a dream for me though and I was close to tears when he starting singing “Boulevard of Broken Dreams. ”

I saw the Terra Cotta Warriors at an exhibit and I feel like it was a one in a life time experience.  I learned about them in elementary school and ever since I’ve always wanted to see them in person.  They are fascinating and I’m so glad I can say I saw them.

I turned 21 and I went to Vegas to celebrate.  Which has always been my plan for my 21st and I’m so happy I stuck through with it.  I saw Cirque Du Soleil “O” and ate at very fancy restaurants,  drank $44 dollar fancy drinks and walked alone, seeing what there is to see in Sin City. Among the things I did, one of the things was taking sky diving off my bucket list.  It was the craziest thing I’ve ever done but I’m so fucking glad I did it.
So yeah,  that about sums up my year.  I’m happy that I was shown that happiness exists after you feel like it’s won’t again.


My Trip: Day 14

Today’s been a pretty good last day with the people of the tour.  We woke up and we had a decent breakfast in the hotel.  Then we all gathered to go out and walk to the market.  This was the only annoying part of the day.  

I was expecting this to be a day where we all just split up and do our own thing. But they were trying to make it a big group deal.  It was fucking annoying because we just wanted to go shopping while the old farts wanted to go see the museum and stuff.  And us young kids were using our phones to lead them to where they wanted to go.  But all they did was complain the whole time about how they thought we were not going the right direction.  They were over there looking at their maps and the position of the sun while we were using our GPS.  A long story short,  we got there and we left them there.  

Me,  the girls,  and their grandma and aunt all walked to the market area and we looked at all the shops.  One of the girls is really,  really bossy and she tries to make her younger sister do everything.  I feel bad for the sister because she gets annoyed and I feel like she thinks everyone takes her older sister’s side.  When really I’m taking hers.  Then she kind of pouts and walks with the grandma the whole day.  Which is slightly immature but I kind of don’t blame her.  

Anyways,  I bought a wallet made out of a German newspaper that was made in the 30s.  Plus some other stuff like magazines and stuff.  The stuff in the store was made entirely out of recycled material.  I really liked it actually.  And my wallet is really cool. 

We walked about 7 hours and we took the subway back to our hotel.  Then I just kind of rested and took a shower and then we went downstairs to have a beer.  

Then at 6:50 we all gathered around the lobby and got ready to get on a bus to take us to our restaurant we’re having our goodbye dinner at.  Still can’t believe this is the last night with these people.  The days have gone by so so fast.  

The dinner was good but maybe not as good as ao was thinking it’d be.  I was hoping it’d be more like the Vienna vineyards like the first night we stayed here.  It wasn’t as good and we only go one glass of wine so…  What’s even the point.  

No but the food was good and we got to spend our last moments with our new friends.  As were given several courses of food and also got to watch the entertainers dancing and singing.  They also danced in fire or something like that but I didn’t get to see that part. 

All in all,  it was a good last night.  Many memories were made on this trip and I’m so happy I went.  

This isn’t officially my last day of the trip but it pretty much is the last day because for the next couple days it’ll just be me and my grandma.  It won’t be that fun anymore. 

My Trip: Day 12

Ugh…  Today will sort of suck but I hope it will be a good end to the tour.  I hope to get a picture of me and Mario and maybe Charlie.  I don’t know why I’m so sad to say bye.  Maybe it’s because I know I’ll never see Mario again and he was an extremely good tour guide.  He went above and beyond to make us satisfied.  He went on his own to buy gluten free noodles to bring to the restaurant that we were going to so they could cook it for someone who was gluten free in the group.  Plus he was just funny and nice.  

Plus I was pretty much relying on being able to spend my time with the girls and after we don’t get tours any more I’m not sure if we even stay as a group anymore.  So I’ll be stuck with my grandma.  This isn’t my last day in Europe but it’s the last day of being on the bus and being guided by Mario and driven by Charlie.  We stay in Sophia a couple days and then we all go our separate ways.  Me and my grandma will go to where the Dracula’s castle is set and then we go home Sunday I think.  

Tonight,  two of the girls and a couple people in our group will be playing a concert in the symphony.  Because that’s basically what this entire trip was based around.  The symphony playing a concert.  That might be a good end to the tour. 

We went on a little tour of Sophia.  Went into a few old churches and we walked through a nice park that had sculptures and playground equipment.  Afterwards we were on our own to roam the city and if we wanted we could come back to a meeting spot and take the bus back to the motel.  Or we could just wander off and find the hotel later.  I went and followed the girls of course and they wanted to go take the bus back which I was glad about because I wanted to leave my sweatshirt on the bus.  So we walked around and we stopped at a café and the girls got pizza and I was going to get a RedBull but apparently they were out.  So I got water which was probably a more nutritious alternative. 

 That café took most of our time because as I’ve said before,  don’t get food in Europe if you’re in a rush.  They move at a very slow pace. They expect you to spend hours there.  

Well we had like half an hour left so the girls got ice cream and I just followed them.  It’s weird with those girls.  Sometimes they ask me to come with and sometimes they just do stuff and I don’t know if I should just follow them or ask to go with them or what.  My social skills are clearly shit but I just feel like I don’t know what to do.  Sometimes I do stuff alone because they didn’t ask me to go and I don’t want to just follow them around.  I feel like they don’t want me to go with them sometimes.  

An hour before the concert we came down to the lobby of the hotel so that we could all say goodbye to Mario and Charlie.  They arranged some drinks for us all and we gave them gifts and tips for the wonderful service they provided us the past two weeks.  Mario seriously did everything to make sure we had a good trip.  He was a great tour guide.  I’m so glad my first trip to Europe was lead by such a great guy.  And he had to cancel his next tour he was supposed to guide because his wife in Korea is very sick and he has to go see her.  So even knowing that,  he still was happy and cheerful around us and he made sure we were happy.  Very sad to have to say buy to them.  But I got a picture of them so I will remember them forever. 

The symphony concert was okay,  I’m just not big on that kind of music I guess.  Plus I was tired and my head hurt so none of that went well together.  I only ate breakfast and nothing else and this concert ended at like,  8:30 so I was pretty hungry.  The girl’s grandma and her sister are super nice and try to include me in everything which I’m grateful for even though I’m not sure if it’s what the girls want.  But nevertheless the grandma and aunt asked me if I wanted to go eat and I said sure so we just sat outside of the motel in the dining area and I ordered a burger and the girls just ordered some desserts.  The burger I ordered turned out to be pretty big but I guess it was good.  We sat outside for a couple of hours just talking and enjoying the cool weather.  The waitress brought out these battery powered lights and put them on each table so we all wouldn’t be sitting in the dark. 

It was a good end to the day.  Relaxing and peaceful and full of laughs.  Tomorrow we arrange our time,  no more Mario to do it for us.  We’re going to some church and then I guess we have free time for the rest of the day.  I’ll try to spend it with the girls.  They just walk around and shop for stuff.  

My Trip: Day 9

Ugh waking up early after a night of staying up late wasn’t fun.  But we all managed to eat breakfast and get to the bus within…  Very little time.  

We were in the bus for about two hours before making a stop.  Then we crossed a border and that took a while.  And that pretty much summed up most of what we did today,  cross borders and sit in a bus.  

Well sort of,  we actually stopped in a place in Montenegro.  Can’t remember the name but it was pretty damn cool.  They were known for having cats I guess.  There were a good amount of stray cats walking around and they had a cat museum.  I saw a cute little kitten that had to be a couple months old and it was just walking around.  It was so cute,  I seriously contemplated taking it.  But I figured that’d be frowned upon.  

Me and the three girls ate at a restaurant and the thing to remember when eating out here is that they are really slow and take their time getting your food to you and all that.  We had two and a half hours to kill and ended up with only an hour.  But the food was good.  Actually it was just alright.  We got ice cream too,  I got raspberry I think.  I didn’t go into the cat museum unfortunately but I kind of wanted to.  I did get two postcards though,  one with cats on it and one with just the city.  I see the picture of the postcard now and it was Kotor,  Montenegro.  Very popular tourist attraction.  With cats,  I highly recommend 

That was the highlight of our day.  Pretty much the rest was just on the bus.  It’s hard to sleep on the bus too so I’m exhausted right now.  We got to our hotel at 8 and we had to eat dinner at 8:15. Afterwards I just went to my room and took a shower.  I’ve been sweating so much in this hot temperature.  But I heard it’s going to start cooling down where we are now.  

Tomorrow I don’t have to get up too early.  We will take a tour and then go someplace else.  I don’t really like the area we’re in now to be honest. I don’t even remember the name.  And I don’t really like our local guide, he’s a bit boring and he tells bad jokes. 

Life Update 

I have spent the summer so far being a lazy piece of shit with way too much time on my hands.  I spend each morning applying to jobs that never call me back after an interview because I’m such an awkward person apparently.  I spend the rest of my time dwelling on my low self-esteem thoughts about how behind I am in my academic career basically only because I failed one class out of all the classes I’ve taken and it has taken me way back.  If I pushed myself from the very start I could have gotten my bachelor’s by now.  I could be an intern or something.  I could be living alone right now instead of my mom’s basement.  

I still find myself dwelling on the past occasionally.  Maybe that’s just apart of who I am. Just think about if things in my life happened differently.  It’s stupid and a waste of time to think about that stuff but I do anyways.  I don’t know if I’ve always done this or not.  I think I have,  just thought of the past a lot.  

The college in my home town rejected me.  I don’t know if it was cause so many people were applying or if they didn’t want me.  But I was heavily relying on them accepting me. I needed them to.  I can reapply and I will definitely do that But I guess I will just go back to the community college to get my associates.  It won’t feel like I earned it at all  I wouldn’t have felt proud of myself for earning it anyways but now I really don’t feel proud.  It’s taken a whole extra year.  I could have gotten it a year ago.  Instead I wasted a whole year going to the university on the other side of my state.  I don’t think that benefitted me at all academically.  Probably lowered my GPA even more there.  Probably why I didn’t get accepted into the other one in my town. 

Me and my new girlfriend are doing fine.  Seems like we are already getting into a little drama.  even though it’s only been a month.  Not super bad drama or anything.  Just little tiny things we go through occasionally.  It’s usually my fault.  I just get defensive and think she’s trying to fight me.  And I get into these moods that I really shouldn’t be getting into so soon.  I just get cranky but I didn’t start doinf this with my ex this soon.  speaking of her,  I bring up my ex a little more than I need to.  Like way more than I need to.  she doesn’t need to brought up at all.  My girlfriend was looking at my facebook pictures and she saw a comment my ex left on one so she made the mistake of looking at my exes pictures which she still has pictures of me and her.  So I felt pretty bad about that.  I’d be really upset if I saw pictures of her with her ex. 

Another thing about this relationship is it just feels different.  I’m not sure what it is but my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I get her texts.  I get happy when I Skype her but…  It just feels different. Doesn’t feel like it used to.  Maybe it takes a little bit for the love to really set in.  Maybe I’m just a different person and subconsciously I don’t want to give everything to someone just so they will leave me.  wow I never knew I’d be that person.  the one afraid to love again.  

I hope this will turn into a productive year for me because I’m running out of time.  I need to have more money and responsibility if I’m ever going to have the life I’ve dreamed of.  I feel like things have gotten in the way the last few years and I just need to make the most of what I have and push myself.  I don’t feel like I’ve pushed myself enough.  

I’ve Found Someone


Words i didn’t think i’d say for a very long time.But yeah, I’m with someone now, her name is D (I’ll abbreviate names.) she lives in Florida. We all know that another LDR is certainly not the best choice for me to be in again. We all know how i acted in the last one. But I sure as hell know i’m not going to find someone in person with this outgoing, charming personality of mine.

Don’t think I was in a rush to be with someone so I just settled for this girl. Because that wasn’t the case. I had taken a long break from the infamous app I met you on, and I decided one day after many months of being alone, to try it again. Just to be have some sort of human interaction. Not to be with anyone but just to talk. It was a lot different than the last time i used it. It felt like I was treading on foreign soil that was laid out on a land i once lived on. I saw she had messaged me actually only about a week before I got back on the app. I messaged her back and I’d be lying if I said we hit it off instantly like you and I did. But the conversation didn’t die off like most conversations do on the app. We continued to talk and we definitely had many things in common.So much so that my lack of trust made me wonder if she just was lying about things to relate to me. Which wasn’t true but that’s how much we had in common. I was very hesitant about being in an LDR and I waited a while before even bringing it up.

We talked lot, we flirted a lot. It was all pretty similar feeling and it really brought me back and made me feel good. It felt good to feel good with someone. I talked to other girls in the past but none of them really made me feel like this.

I swear I wasn’t looking for this in a girl, but subconsciously maybe i was. But this girl is similar to the old you. she’s definitely not exactly L, (the old you) but I know that she will never become A, (how you became.) If that makes sense. She has some very similar traits that the old you had. She says such nice things about me and she is very loyal. She cares for others more than she does herself. She is so nice to me and she just makes me feel good. She doesn’t make me feel like she’s going to leave me ever. She’s a loner like i am. She talks to me a lot and it seems like i’m always on my phone messaging her.

Unlike before, I realize these traits can lead to bad behavior on both of our parts and i won’t let it happen again. I try not to talk to her constantly and she doesn’t seem to NEED to talk to me. I believe it won’t be a problem like it was for us. I think that i am experienced enough to know what to look out for.

But this girl is already showing traits that you never had. It really makes me feel like if me and her have a downfall, it won’t be for the same reasons. She has an autistic brother and she basically raises him because her step mom doesn’t really do anything, She seriously does so much for both of her siblings. She gets them up, makes them breakfast and takes them to school. She wakes up early each day to do this, She shows such amazing potential for the kind of wife that I want in my dream future. She is responsible and she doesn’t rely on seriously ANYONE. She had a job when we met but she was quitting it and changing to something else. She supports me in my future goals. She doesn’t like Florida and she has said she would move to my home town. Trust me, i won’t hold all of this against her if she changes her mind like you did about pretty much everything she is saying she wants to do with me. But this girl is my age exactly. She was born 21 days before me. She actually knows who she is and what she wants to be. I won’t force her to follow my dreams but she says she will. Another thing is that I went to my friend G, that’s a girl’s house and I told D and she didn’t care. Sure, I messaged her way more than i should have but that was my fault, I just wanted to. I’m not fighting her the whole time i’m at my best friend, L’s house. She has never fought me for my attention, she said she likes that I am hanging out with my friend instead of being home alone all the time. You were sort of like this at the beginning so i know this may not last but again, this girl isn’t a child. I don’t expect her to change as drastically as you did.

Something about her that isn’t as similar to me but still makes me happy because I feel like this will help me live a more exciting life is that this girl has been raising her siblings and helping them while she was having to deal with her bad dad and now bad step mom. Both of her siblings are the exact age as A and J, so she is doing exactly what I had to do when my parents were getting a divorce. But anyways since she grew up having to have all this responsibility, she wants to feel young and have fun. instead of having a narrow minded goal to get a certain career and education and all that, she still wants to live a little before all that. So me and her are going to Coachella next year and we’ll stay there and camp and she will show me how to live. I realized that this girl will change my life. She wants to have a family and a cute little house with me. But she wants to take a picture in every state first. She wants to take a long road trip in a big hippy van to every state in the US. When I first heard about her wanting to be young and free before settling down with kids, I was hesitant, but i realized that I really need to get out of my shell. I need to live a little. i realized that i’m such a “square” as she calls me. I need to see the world and LIVE. This girl will help me with that. This is me, living her dream before she will settle down and live mine. I will travel the US with her, and we’ll get a big hippy van and bring a Polaroid and tape the pictures of each state to the inside of it. we’ll live in the van for months and we’ll shower at truck stops and we’ll eat granola and pee on the side of the road. That was never ever something i planned on doing but it’s something i plan now.

D is very patient with me, before I decided that we could start going out i told her everything about how I acted with you. I warned her about 50 times about it all. I wanted her to be fully aware about how I may get. She reassured me that she is very loyal and she will never betray or lie to me. She told me she will just not take any of my shit and she’ll bring me back to earth, she was right, and has done this a couple times in the short amount of time we’ve been together. She is earning my trust more and more. There has been a few times where I’ve actually tried to start a fight basically. Because I guess I’m still used to fighting you on certain things. I’ve gotten pretty defensive when I’ve been at L’s because I suspect a fight to happen. She had to stop talking for a second while I was at G’s and I asked her if she was just mad because I was at G’s and I got all pissy. She wasn’t, at all. I apologized and I told her how i still get a little defensive because i get anxious that a fight will happen when I do certain things and they don’t because she is herself, and not you. She even said that she isn’t you, that I don’t need to get defensive and that she doesn’t care if I’m with L. It just feels fucking good to not be anxious just telling her things. I remember being so anxious just to tell you I was going to L’s. It feels great to be able to just talk to my girlfriend about anything and not expect a fight. Though I have only been with D a couple months and i know things will change a little, I just feel like things will be okay. I haven’t gotten jealous yet, not excited for that to happen if it does. It probably will because i didn’t get jealous at all with you at first. I just hope she will reassure me and tell me to shut up, that she’s mine and I don’t have to worry. Or maybe i won’t even get jealous, maybe i will have a newfound trust with her. It feels great to have someone who listens to me and talks to me about all of her problems. And it also feels great that she isn’t materialistic at ALL. She, very down to earth and she’s a hippy like I can be. She is definitely the opposite of you when it comes to being stuck up and narcissistic. I can’t even imagine her acting that way. She is very humble if not too humble but that’s why she has me to bring up all of the positives about herself.

But I’m happier. After almost a year of this shitty life away from you. I have found someone who may just provide the happiness the old you brought, plus more. I might have found someone who will show me a new way to live and not let me worry about anything anymore. Or maybe she will just be a good smell in the wind that will enter my home for a while and leave as the wind dies down like you did. either way, I’m ready.

New Beginnings 

Today’s the last night that I will be living with my grandparents.  Tomorrow I drive the boring,  8 hour drive back home. Never to return here, to live anyways.  I can’t help but feel really bad.  I know they think it’s their fault that I’m leaving.  I just don’t know how to explain to them about myself.  My anxiety and just my incapability to live away from my home town.  I was never able to really explain to them about it all.  I know that I’ll leave them with unanswered questions and I feel really bad about that.  

I just need to find my way in life.  I know in my heart that this isn’t it.  I didn’t do well in school here at all because I was so focused on doing what I felt that they expected of me.  I was on a schedule each day that I set myself to fit what they just expected me to do.  I stayed upstairs with them each night because I was scared to go downstairs and hear them ask me why I’m not staying to watch the next show with them.  

In no way did they expect me to do anything but succeed in school,  which was ironically the only thing I failed at.  Instead I just tried to follow the daily pattern that my irrational thoughts kept me doing.  I just need to go home,  get a job,  and really take a step back and look at what I need to do.  Maybe I’ll take a year off to work,  I know for sure I’m going to retake the stats class I failed.  I need my Associates degree at the very least.  I know what my major is,  I know my main goal.  At least I will always have that.  I guess It’s good I’m not like some kids just trying to figure out what they want to do.  I’ve had this goal since high school and I’ve stuck to it.  I guess that’s something.  

I have a couple plans for this year that will require me to go out of my comfort zone.  I’m looking forward to them and hope that they will provide me with experiences and stories to tell.  I hope this year will be possibly a life changing one.  At the very least it will open my eyes a little I hope.  

Here’s to new beginnings.