Words i didn’t think i’d say for a very long time.But yeah, I’m with someone now, her name is D (I’ll abbreviate names.) she lives in Florida. We both know that another LDR is certainly not the best choice for me to be in again. We both know how i acted in the last one. But I sure as hell know i’m not going to find someone in person with this outgoing, charming personality of mine.
Don’t think I was in a rush to be with someone so I just settled for this girl. Because that wasn’t the case. I had taken a long break from the infamous app I met you on, and I decided one day after many months of being alone, to try it again. Just to be have some sort of human interaction. Not to be with anyone but just to talk. It was a lot different than the last time i used it. It felt like I was treading on foreign soil that was laid out on a land i once lived on. I saw she had messaged me actually only about a week before I got back on the app. I messaged her back and I’d be lying if I said we hit it off instantly like you and I did. But the conversation didn’t die off like most conversations do on the app. We continued to talk and we definitely had many things in common.So much so that my lack of trust made me wonder if she just was lying about things to relate to me. Which wasn’t true but that’s how much we had in common. I was very hesitant about being in an LDR and I waited a while before even bringing it up.
We talked lot, we flirted a lot. It was all pretty similar feeling and it really brought me back and made me feel good. It felt good to feel good with someone. I talked to other girls in the past but none of them really made me feel like this.
I swear I wasn’t looking for this in a girl, but subconsciously maybe i was. But this girl is similar to the old you. she’s definitely not exactly L, (the old you) but I know that she will never become A, (how you became.) If that makes sense. She has some very similar traits that the old you had. She says such nice things about me and she is very loyal. She cares for others more than she does herself. She is so nice to me and she just makes me feel good. She doesn’t make me feel like she’s going to leave me ever. She’s a loner like i am. She talks to me a lot and it seems like i’m always on my phone messaging her.
Unlike before, I realize these traits can lead to bad behavior on both of our parts and i won’t let it happen again. I try not to talk to her constantly and she doesn’t seem to NEED to talk to me. I believe it won’t be a problem like it was for us. I think that i am experienced enough to know what to look out for.
But this girl is already showing traits that you never had. It really makes me feel like if me and her have a downfall, it won’t be for the same reasons. She has an autistic brother and she basically raises him because her step mom doesn’t really do anything, She seriously does so much for both of her siblings. She gets them up, makes them breakfast and takes them to school. She wakes up early each day to do this, She shows such amazing potential for the kind of wife that I want in my dream future. She is responsible and she doesn’t rely on seriously ANYONE. She had a job when we met but she was quitting it and changing to something else. She supports me in my future goals. She doesn’t like Florida and she has said she would move to my home town. Trust me, i won’t hold all of this against her if she changes her mind like you did about pretty much everything she is saying she wants to do with me. But this girl is my age exactly. She was born 21 days before me. She actually knows who she is and what she wants to be. I won’t force her to follow my dreams but she says she will. Another thing is that I went to my friend G, that’s a girl’s house and I told D and she didn’t care. Sure, I messaged her way more than i should have but that was my fault, I just wanted to. I’m not fighting her the whole time i’m at my best friend, L’s house. She has never fought me for my attention, she said she likes that I am hanging out with my friend instead of being home alone all the time. You were sort of like this at the beginning so i know this may not last but again, this girl isn’t a child. I don’t expect her to change as drastically as you did.
Something about her that isn’t as similar to me but still makes me happy because I feel like this will help me live a more exciting life is that this girl has been raising her siblings and helping them while she was having to deal with her bad dad and now bad step mom. Both of her siblings are the exact age as A and J, so she is doing exactly what I had to do when my parents were getting a divorce. But anyways since she grew up having to have all this responsibility, she wants to feel young and have fun. instead of having a narrow minded goal to get a certain career and education and all that, she still wants to live a little before all that. So me and her are going to Coachella next year and we’ll stay there and camp and she will show me how to live. I realized that this girl will change my life. She wants to have a family and a cute little house with me. But she wants to take a picture in every state first. She wants to take a long road trip in a big hippy van to every state in the US. When I first heard about her wanting to be young and free before settling down with kids, I was hesitant, but i realized that I really need to get out of my shell. I need to live a little. i realized that i’m such a “square” as she calls me. I need to see the world and LIVE. This girl will help me with that. This is me, living her dream before she will settle down and live mine. I will travel the US with her, and we’ll get a big hippy van and bring a Polaroid and tape the pictures of each state to the inside of it. we’ll live in the van for months and we’ll shower at truck stops and we’ll eat granola and pee on the side of the road. That was never ever something i planned on doing but it’s something i plan now.
D is very patient with me, before I decided that we could start going out i told her everything about how I acted with you. I warned her about 50 times about it all. I wanted her to be fully aware about how I may get. She reassured me that she is very loyal and she will never betray or lie to me. She told me she will just not take any of my shit and she’ll bring me back to earth, she was right, and has done this a couple times in the short amount of time we’ve been together. She is earning my trust more and more. There has been a few times where I’ve actually tried to start a fight basically. Because I guess I’m still used to fighting you on certain things. I’ve gotten pretty defensive when I’ve been at L’s because I suspect a fight to happen. She had to stop talking for a second while I was at G’s and I asked her if she was just mad because I was at G’s and I got all pissy. She wasn’t, at all. I apologized and I told her how i still get a little defensive because i get anxious that a fight will happen when I do certain things and they don’t because she is herself, and not you. She even said that she isn’t you, that I don’t need to get defensive and that she doesn’t care if I’m with L. It just feels fucking good to not be anxious just telling her things. I remember being so anxious just to tell you I was going to L’s. It feels great to be able to just talk to my girlfriend about anything and not expect a fight. Though I have only been with D a couple months and i know things will change a little, I just feel like things will be okay. I haven’t gotten jealous yet, not excited for that to happen if it does. It probably will because i didn’t get jealous at all with you at first. I just hope she will reassure me and tell me to shut up, that she’s mine and I don’t have to worry. Or maybe i won’t even get jealous, maybe i will have a newfound trust with her. It feels great to have someone who listens to me and talks to me about all of her problems. And it also feels great that she isn’t materialistic at ALL. She, very down to earth and she’s a hippy like I can be. She is definitely the opposite of you when it comes to being stuck up and narcissistic. I can’t even imagine her acting that way. She is very humble if not too humble but that’s why she has me to bring up all of the positives about herself.
But I’m happier. After almost a year of this shitty life away from you. I have found someone who may just provide the happiness the old you brought, plus more. I might have found someone who will show me a new way to live and not let me worry about anything anymore. Or maybe she will just be a good smell in the wind that will enter my home for a while and leave as the wind dies down like you did. either way, I’m ready.