My Trip: Day 17, Going home 

July 9th,  2017

Nothing to do today but fly and sit in airports.  I left our hotel in a taxi to the hotel as I said goodbye to Bucharest and soon to Europe altogether.  This was the trip of a lifetime and I probably won’t get another trip like this until I’m retired or have a long vacation from my future career. 

Travelling was an extremely fun and new experience that I will never forget.  It showed me what it’s like on the other side of the planet.  How different people live outside of America.  It made me feel small compared to this vast planet we live in. Discovery channel never really cut it for me in terms of showing how others live in Europe.  experiencing it in person is the real way of learning. Thia year has been so great so far.  I met my girlfriend and learned that my life wasn’t ao bad.  I traveled outside of the country and I lived on the other side of the state and experienced that.  I’ve really pushed myself to try new things and I’m proud of myself.  There’s more planned for me this year.  I hope to see my girlfriend this summer and I hope to go to Vegas for my 21st birthday in November and I plan to go skydiving.  I plan to go back to school in my hometown and find a job I can stay at for a long period.  

I have many plans for the future and I believe this year is the start of it all.  I needed to get travelling out of the way and broaden my horizon a little before I narrowed my sights back on school.  I needed this trip for sure.  Now all I need ia to see my girlfriend and I will be set on beginning my life.  

The first hour and a half flight was a breeze. The security in Istanbul was a breeze,  I got a pretty good sandwich and then we didn’t have to wait long for the next flight either. I got onto the next plane and remembered me and my grandma are sitting in row of three with nobody between us.  So far travelling today has been very easy.  Ans this is our long flight.  And it seems like it’ll go well.  Also I was looking at this picture of a cat I took on my trip and then I heard this meowing and I thought I was going crazy but really a passenger brought like,  three cats in their carriers and they’re meowing a lot because they’re scared.  I took a picture of one in it’s little carrier thing.  So cute.  It’s going to be meowing all flight. 

Ugh so we went on the first two flights,  one was 1 1/2 hours,  one was 10 hours.  Then our one we just got off of was 4 hours.  Too much flying for me.  Grandma didn’t plan well with the taxi at all of course.  So we’re just sitting around and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

I’ll be glad to be rid of all that once I get home.  I’m tired and just want to rest.  But this has been a good trip and I’m lucky to have been able to go.  

My Trip: Day 14

Today’s been a pretty good last day with the people of the tour.  We woke up and we had a decent breakfast in the hotel.  Then we all gathered to go out and walk to the market.  This was the only annoying part of the day.  

I was expecting this to be a day where we all just split up and do our own thing. But they were trying to make it a big group deal.  It was fucking annoying because we just wanted to go shopping while the old farts wanted to go see the museum and stuff.  And us young kids were using our phones to lead them to where they wanted to go.  But all they did was complain the whole time about how they thought we were not going the right direction.  They were over there looking at their maps and the position of the sun while we were using our GPS.  A long story short,  we got there and we left them there.  

Me,  the girls,  and their grandma and aunt all walked to the market area and we looked at all the shops.  One of the girls is really,  really bossy and she tries to make her younger sister do everything.  I feel bad for the sister because she gets annoyed and I feel like she thinks everyone takes her older sister’s side.  When really I’m taking hers.  Then she kind of pouts and walks with the grandma the whole day.  Which is slightly immature but I kind of don’t blame her.  

Anyways,  I bought a wallet made out of a German newspaper that was made in the 30s.  Plus some other stuff like magazines and stuff.  The stuff in the store was made entirely out of recycled material.  I really liked it actually.  And my wallet is really cool. 

We walked about 7 hours and we took the subway back to our hotel.  Then I just kind of rested and took a shower and then we went downstairs to have a beer.  

Then at 6:50 we all gathered around the lobby and got ready to get on a bus to take us to our restaurant we’re having our goodbye dinner at.  Still can’t believe this is the last night with these people.  The days have gone by so so fast.  

The dinner was good but maybe not as good as ao was thinking it’d be.  I was hoping it’d be more like the Vienna vineyards like the first night we stayed here.  It wasn’t as good and we only go one glass of wine so…  What’s even the point.  

No but the food was good and we got to spend our last moments with our new friends.  As were given several courses of food and also got to watch the entertainers dancing and singing.  They also danced in fire or something like that but I didn’t get to see that part. 

All in all,  it was a good last night.  Many memories were made on this trip and I’m so happy I went.  

This isn’t officially my last day of the trip but it pretty much is the last day because for the next couple days it’ll just be me and my grandma.  It won’t be that fun anymore. 

Things That Make me Happy

I’ve been kind of depressed recently so I thought I’d ramble about things that make me happy.  

Candy.  I have a huge sweet tooth and always have.  Not even just candy,  I’ll take anything that’ll make my teeth rot.  Except meth,  no I don’t do meth.  But no,  I have stolen so many oreos from my grandparents pantry it’s not even funny.  Almost every day I buy sour patch kids from the vending machine after I get coffee and before I sit down in the quiet study area at my university.  I make sure to always keep my change from the coffee and I add the quarters only to my collection of quarters I’m building up in my backpack.  That way I’ll always have enough to get sour patch kids.  The code to plug in on the vending machine to get them is 160. that’s how bad it’s gotten.  I remember the fucking code for the candy.  I have always had a sweet tooth.  I was such a well behaved little kid but my mom says I threw the worst fits of all her kids and only when it came to getting candy in the store.  I still might pout a little if you are at fault for me not getting candy. 

Video Games.  I get actually excited every friday because I know I’ll be able to stay up late and “party” partying to me is…  Sitting alone in a room and playing video games,  alone.  Not online with anyone,  not usually anyways.  Just me.  With a can or two of mountain dew and if I’m really planning to have a good time,  some candy of course.  But I get genuinely excited for these moments.  It’s really so sad actually.  But these are moments that bring me happiness.  Real,  pure,  happiness.  

Seeing couples that don’t really seem like they’d be together.  Such as,  a nerdy guy and a pretty girl.  I don’t see this often but there’s been times where I’ve seen a nerdy guy at this place I occasionally go to in my hometown to play board games with my friends.  And he had a girl with him who was really pretty and she was clearly with him as a date and they were just playing games together.  She looked like she was having fun and so was he.  Seeing moments like that really fills my heart with joy.  I feel so happy for the guy.  I try not to make assumptions but I do anyways, I create stories for them.  I assume he has always been kind nerdy and never had any real relationships and maybe she’s had a bunch of asshole boyfriends who were buff and strong but were never nice.  Then they met somehow and she realized his awkward,  nerdy personality was exactly what she wanted and needed.  Etc.  Just stuff like that,  I’m smiling as I write this just thinking about them.  The fact he has a pretty girl who is kind enough to go to a nerdy place with him and realize how fun it is and she doesn’t care how others see her or him.  I can’t help but envy him,  but in a good way.  I’m ao happy for him and he’s a stranger to me.  I don’t even know him.  they’re not the only people I’ve seen like that.  Just an example I’m using. 

One thing that makes me so happy is listening to my music so loud in my car that the rear view mirror vibrates.  I do this twice a day,  each weekday for an hour.  I sing as loud as I can because who cares?  Nobody can see me.  iy makes me feel free.  It gives me a sample of what life could be like without anxiety,  without a care in the world.  I sing as loudly as I can to the music and I smile,  I smile so much that I forget I’m smiling because it just stays there.  These moments are my moments.  My daily moments that allow me to tune out life,  tune out all of the thoughts that haunt me any time else.  These moments are my happiness. 

I Can’t Wait

I can’t wait to have more friends.  A small group of people who care about me and invite me to hang out with them. Sometimes individuals from the group will just ask me to hang out so we can have one on one bonding time.  I can’t wait to have lunch with these people and hang out all through out the weekend.  Maybe they will have similar majors as me or just taking a same class so we can study together and my grades will improve.  These people will be reliable and trustworthy and I can look to them if I need any help or just people to talk to. They will joke around with me and include me in everything because we’ll all be good friends.  

I can’t wait to have a girlfriend.  A perfect match for me. A girl who will look at me like I am the best thing on the planet to her.  Someone who will brag about me to her friends.  She will play video games with me,  hopefully because she likes to but if she doesn’t normally play video games then I hope she still will play with me because she knows I love it.  And hopefully she will begin to enjoy playing them,  with me at least.  She will be out going and she’ll MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON.  she will make me come out of my shell and I will just be an overly positive,  better person when I’m with her.  She will make me see the world differently.  She will have flaws just like anyone and my love for her will just ignore them.  I hope she shares the same lack of- religious views so we have less things to disagree on.  She won’t care about my quiet and introverted personality.  She will know everything about me and hopefully she will have a lot in common with me.  She will be like my other half,  knowing everything I like and also liking what I like too,  hopefully.  She will be my best friend and life partner.  

I can’t wait to feel happy.  To feel like I belong in this world.  To feel like I have a purpose in living.  To feel like what I’m doing in life isn’t a huge waste of time.  I want to feel happy in my present and not just happy day dreaming about the future or reliving happy moments of my past. I want to be so happy that I don’t even think much about my future because I don’t want NOW to end.  I can’t wait to feel like a normal person,  doing what I have to do in school but still have a life outside of school.  Getting a job and earning money.  Being able to feel like I’m a responsible adult rather than some kid living off of his grandparents. 

I can’t wait to stop relying on people. I can’t wait to live alone and be responsible for EVERYTHING. I can’t wait to have bad things happen and be able to say “this is okay,  I can handle this” rather than have someone help me through it. 

I can’t wait to have a family.  I can’t wait to marry the girlfriend I mentioned earlier.  I can’t wait for us to decide we are emotionally/financially/ maturely  ready to start a family.  I want to live with her alone for a while before we decide this.  So we can enjoy life to ourselves before we go decades having it never be just the two of us anymore.  I can’t wait for her to tell me she’s pregnant.  I can’t wait to wait a while but then tell EVERYONE.  I can’t wait to think of creative ways to announce her being pregant.  We can take a really funny picture to post on facebook so all of our friends and family see.  I can’t wait for the baby to grow and I can feel her/him kick.  I can’t wait to touch her belly 24/7. Kissing it,  rubbing it,  singing/talking to it.  I can’t wait to tell her how beautiful she is despite how shitty she feels about how fat she’s gotten.  I can’t wait to hold her hand while she’s screaming and calling me and the doctor every name in the book as she’s pushing to get that baby out if there.  I can’t wait for her to break my hand because she’s squeezing it so tight.  I can’t wait to be near passing out with anxiety and excitement,  looking at her and telling her it’s okay.  I can’t wait for our beautiful baby to come out and see my wife holding her/him and looking at me and smiling.  Her eyes telling me everything,  “this is our baby. ” I can’t wait for us to get married.  Before or after the baby,  I don’t care.  I can’t wait to stand at the end of the aisle and see my beautiful bride walking down the aisle towards me with her dad.  I can’t wait to take that mental picture and keep it with me until I die.  I can’t wait to say “I do” with such conviction that nobody could ever think that I didn’t mean it.  I want to go on a unique honey moon and not some cliché honey moon place, Fuck Hawaii.  I can’t wait for our kid’s first day of school.  My wife and I holding each other’s sweaty hands as we anxiously let our kid’s hand go finally to let her/him leave us. I can’t wait for that first day to finally end so we can rush back an hour early because we’re so excited to see our grown up baby come out of school and tell us about her/his day.  I can’t wait for it to never get easier seeing our baby grow up.  I can’t wait for us to plan to have another baby. To tell our first baby and ask what she/he thinks about being a big sibling.  I can’t wait to hear those beautiful words again.  “I’m pregant. ” 

I can’t wait for that part to start all over.  

I can’t wait for our babies to all be out of the house.  I can’t wait for my queen and I to be together again alone, after all of these years.  To be together after all the easy times and hard.  To be able to say we did it.  We said “fuck statistics! ” when people told us the divorce rate of our generation.  To be able to say we raised amazing kids who will hopefully visit us once a day, no…  Week,  Yeah week sounds good.  I can’t wait to tell her “I love you” every single day for 10-20-30-40-50 years.  I can’t wait to look back at our younger,  stupid selves and she will talk about how handsome I used to be while I laugh and hug her.  Saying “baby,  I think you have gotten more beautiful with age. ” I can’t wait to see our grandchildren and spoil them like CRAZY.  I can’t wait to buy them super loud toys for their birthdays just to piss off our kids. To get into our car laughing after the party. After seeing our kid and their spouse’s angry face seeing their child banging on the drum set we bought them.  We will grow older,  I can’t wait… To be able to go on vacations now as a retired couple and truly enjoy the world we live in.  I can’t wait to grow older and older with her.  Seeing the world change as our bodies become weak.  I can’t wait…  To be at my death bed, looking at everyone around me.  With grief on their face,  as I’m beaming with joy to see the love that I have experienced and created amongst these friends and family.  I can’t wait to die,  knowing that I have left this world exactly how I was meant to.  After living the life I always wanted.  Being loved by these amazing people.

I can’t wait.  
(This is my form of a utopion future.  Realistic or not,  this is what a perfect life would be to me.  Of course there are tiny details I didn’t mention but these are the main things.) 

How my relationship ended 

I saw this picture posted on someone’s blog on WordPress.  I didn’t know how to save it from here so I just looked it up but anyways this definitely relates to my situation.  

I think I mentioned this in a few of my other posts but Loyalty is everything to me when it comes to relationships and friendships but mainly relationships.  I am a pretty insecure person at times and I’m not entirely sure why but my only guess is it has something to do with my dad cheating on my mom when I was about 12-14 ish somewhere around there.  And I knew it was happening and I just watched it happen and watched him lie to everyone’s face including mine.  I guess I’ve always been the jealous type anyways.  I remember feeling absolutely disgusted with myself when I’d get overly upset and jealous with my ex.  Because I reminded my self so much of my dad who is an insecure wreck right now and always will be.  One of my worst fears is to end of like my dad.  I will never ever cheat but I feel like I’m cursed with jealousy and insecurity and I never really got rid of it despite how much I hate being like that. 

But on the other hand I love how loyal I am.  Well,  yes it’s good but I maybe try a little too hard.  When I was with my ex I really avoided other girls.  I seriously would try my best to avoid having to speak or really look at anyone else.  This is goooood…  Kind of?  I mean it really showed how loyal I am but it also gave me these over the top expectations that she should act the same way when really I was kind of over doing it.  There should be enough trust in the relationship that I could have spoken to girls or had friends that were girls and her the same with guys.  I really hope next relationship will be different in that way.  No more jealousy from either of us.  

ANYWAYS,  related to the picture.  I was so loyal and well,  still in love.  That after we first broke up, I just didn’t and still obviously am not over the whole relationship yet. I felt the need to remain loyal to this girl that showed she wasn’t as loyal.  I held on to who she was before and I wasn’t just going to move on when I was still in love…  That’s unfair to anyone I went out with. Thinking I liked them because I’m TELLING them how much I like them when really,  I’m still in love with my ex.  No way,  I’d never do that. I’m healing right now and doing a hell of a lot better than last time.  Last time it just didn’t feel right and I was very depressed. Maybe I didn’t get enough closure,  maybe she hadn’t proved to be a different girl than how I remembered like she did this last time.  So I was still upset and I wasn’t going to move on right away. 

Well she was different,  and now after seeing that picture it kind of shows how loyal I was all along and how she really was.  She moved on right away.  When we got back together I didn’t even know about it because she lied to me about it.  When we got back together we talked a lot about every thing and it took me a month to finally say fine,  we should try it again.  Because I thought we were on a clean slate!  I thought there was nothing I didn’t know because I had always been very open with her and I just suspected she did the same.  But no,  she was with a guy about a week after we broke up.  And she told me she wasn’t breaking up with me for a guy.  So while I was alone sobbing every night trying to get my shit together.  She was with another guy,  kissing and telling him all the things she used to tell me.  I asked her about that guy after we started talking again and she told me lies about him.  

There’s even more to tell when it comes to other guys but I won’t get into it.  But she is really messed up.  Her excuses to me about that guy was she was trying to “replicate our relationship” with him.   Makes no fucking sense to me but okay.  And how I even learned about this guy (because I never would have if I didn’t see this.)  Was she wrote this long thing on Facebook about how he makes her happy and how she’s looking forward to their future and she thanked him for waiting three years for her and that she PROMISED him that it’d be worth it.  She even mentioned me and said that I was the past,  he was the present.  She even said she thought about him a lot this whole time… Though we weren’t together at the time she wrote that,  it was a week after we broke up.  How can you say those things after we broke up after 2 years almost and we had been through so much?  And I was here crying like a baby over her being I stilled loved her and she was there saying this stuff… 

 It hurt a lot to see.  I saw that a month after we broke up after we had gotten back.  We had been together again for two weeks and I was actually very happy those two weeks and I actually had my insecurity under control because she had promised me she would stay by my side forever and she wouldn’t do anything unloyal.  I really believed her but then I saw all that and realized that this was a bad idea. In my rage and pain,  

I actually messaged the guy she was with and simply asked what happened with him and her.  That’s all I asked but I really wanted to say much more.  I then sent her s ton of messages just spewing out my feelings amd how messed up I felt and how I couldn’t believe she lied to me. I wanted to break uo with her right then and there but I wanted to hear her excuses and I wanted to hear the reasoning why this sweet,  loyal,  amazing girl who I once knew turned out to be like this.  She was surprised I found out and she just kept saying this is her fault for NOT DELETING the post.  She was just concerned I found out rather than what she did.  She said she didn’t want me to know because it’d hurt me…  Uhhh duh?  But she did other stuff too and I let that all go.  That’s what you do for a clean slate,  throw it all out there and then start over.  I was still extremely upset and mad and so I just broke up with her.  She really didn’t try to fight it like she once would have.  She just said bye… Her excuses were that she was trying to replicate our relationship,  as I said.  And another was that she wanted everyone to think she was happy..?  Sooo she started dating a guy and would hug and kiss him and tell everyone how happy she is so that they wouldn’t know how sad she claims she was about me.  Yeah,  really dumb and the. and now I still think those excuses are the absolute worst.  Anyone in their right mind would just say “okay,  I’m done with this shit. ” But I wasn’t in my right mind.  I was blinded by a love we had that died months before. 

I’m someone who really needs closure.  I need to feel like it ended and everything was said and everything was done that needed to be done before it ended.  So I messaged her again which clearly was stupidity on my part but it definitely wasn’t the only stupid thing I’ve done in that relationship.  And SOMEHOW even after her lame excuse.  I fucking took her back.  I made her promise there wasn’t anything else I didn’t know. But yes,  we all know now how reliable her promises are.  She made promises to that guy as well and look how that ended. But.  I was blind,  so I took her promise and we were together again. 

 Each night I’d go to sleep crying,  thinking about all the stuff she’s done to me.  I was worn down.  I was exhausted from all this pain I’ve felt.  I loved her unconditionally,  that means that I loved her no matter what,  whatever condition she was in or I was in,  I’d love her.  But look at what I got from it.  A stab in my heart several times,  lies told to my face just like my dad would do.  Betrayal from the girl who I love. But I still tried to stay strong and just hope things would turn out okay.

  I know you are probably thinking I’m an absolute idiot.  But keep in mind,  she used to be so different.  She would stay up late talking to me and she would feel my pain if I was upset.  She would look up at me with these eyes… That just were soaked in love.  She did everything for me and she really cared for me.  I had never met anyone like her before.  So I just wanted the old her so so bad.  We started talking a week after we broke up And during that month before we got back together, we still talked.  And it felt JUST like the old times. It felt so amazing I can’t even describe how good it felt.  But I guess she was with that guy a week after we broke up.  So we were talking then…  Always little things I realize later on that makes it hurt even more.  Anyways,  so I was blinded by the vision of her old self.  That is why I gave her so many chances.  I was weak,  I knew I was weak and deep down I knew it was all a bad idea but I still loved her. 

We were together a few days after I found out about that guy.  Each day I just kept realizing more and more things (just like I did in the last paragraph.)  And I’d send her long paragraphs about how this happened and then that happened,  bla bla.  She just wouldn’t reply much and she would change the subject.  

After class one day,  I got a message from that guy.  Remember I said I messaged him in my rage after learning about them?  He actually was pretty nice and I got really warm and my heart was pounding.  I asked him a ton of questions and he answered them all.  He tokd me a lot of things…  I actually believed him because the things he said my girlfriend did and said sounded a lot like her.  And he had no reason to lie to me.  I was so hurt yet again.  I called her and started yelling. Half crying,  half trying to get my words right because I was so upset.  She denied a majority of what he said but I wasn’t having it.  I hadn’t felt right at all after I found out about them.  I knew she hadn’t told me everything.  The worst part is when I was yelling,  I barely made it a block as I was walking before she just said “ugh do yoy just want to break up then?” I thought she had promised we’d be together forever and we’d work out our problems.  We didn’t agree to break up every time we have a fight.  But that was the solution she came up with before I even said everything I needed to. I yelled at her all the way home pretty much. We hung up for a few minutes because she was “tired” (lame excuse #294757) but she was on facebook instantly after we hung up.  This wasn’t bothering her at all that I was upset… Then we skyped when I got home.  As she saw me the old her that is still in her somewhere, smiled. But I didn’t. 

I glared at her and I said a few things but not much.  I had said most of what I wanted to on my way home.  I just stared at her…  Wondering to myself who the fuck is this girl.  What happened to my princess?  This girl is someone else,  an imposter,  this girl killed the girl I loved.  She asked if I still loved her.  I said “yes,  but I have no reason to.” And I didn’t,  other than the love I held so close that I had for the old her. But not for this girl she is now.  I hung up and I just said “just go back on your facebook,  bye. ” Those were my last words to her. 

She claimed earlier that she had to get up early the next morning to go somewhere.  She called me kind of early her time the next day and she sounded normal in her voice message.  Talking about her xbox being lost and stuff.  She called again saying she found it and she told me to text her.  Obviously I was asleep.  I woke up actually and listened to these messages but I was tired and I didn’t care to text her this early. I was still mad and upset and I didn’t feel the need to show her I was willing to text her this early.  I saw she messaged me on facebook but all it showed was “Cameron.. ” I thought that’s all she sent but later on I saw there was a long message of her saying she didn’t want to hurt me anymore and we need to end the relationship.  She still thought she was going to do the same thing again.  She was not planning on changing.  I tried to reply but she had blocked me.  Good,  I would have given her another chance anyways. 

 I needed this push.  I needed to be blocked because when I blocked her before I still could unblock and message her.  I was sort of sad but only because I missed the old her.  I still do and I always will.  The girl she used to be will always be my first love.  I will never forget that girl.  I’m sad that it ended the way it did with such pain and betrayal.  But I still will have the memories of the old her in my head.  I will never regret being with her.  It gave me wonderful,  new experiences that I will always have.  It taught me a lot about mywelf and who I am.  It revealed to me what my demons are and what I need to strive NOT to be as well.  I’ll always be thankful for the opportunities she gave me and the life we once shared.  I hope one day I will feel the same feelings I once felt for the girl she once was.  Until then,  I’ll just take my time.  Healing, making friends,  pushing myself to become the person I want to be in life.