I saw this picture posted on someone’s blog on WordPress. I didn’t know how to save it from here so I just looked it up but anyways this definitely relates to my situation.
I think I mentioned this in a few of my other posts but Loyalty is everything to me when it comes to relationships and friendships but mainly relationships. I am a pretty insecure person at times and I’m not entirely sure why but my only guess is it has something to do with my dad cheating on my mom when I was about 12-14 ish somewhere around there. And I knew it was happening and I just watched it happen and watched him lie to everyone’s face including mine. I guess I’ve always been the jealous type anyways. I remember feeling absolutely disgusted with myself when I’d get overly upset and jealous with my ex. Because I reminded my self so much of my dad who is an insecure wreck right now and always will be. One of my worst fears is to end of like my dad. I will never ever cheat but I feel like I’m cursed with jealousy and insecurity and I never really got rid of it despite how much I hate being like that.
But on the other hand I love how loyal I am. Well, yes it’s good but I maybe try a little too hard. When I was with my ex I really avoided other girls. I seriously would try my best to avoid having to speak or really look at anyone else. This is goooood… Kind of? I mean it really showed how loyal I am but it also gave me these over the top expectations that she should act the same way when really I was kind of over doing it. There should be enough trust in the relationship that I could have spoken to girls or had friends that were girls and her the same with guys. I really hope next relationship will be different in that way. No more jealousy from either of us.
ANYWAYS, related to the picture. I was so loyal and well, still in love. That after we first broke up, I just didn’t and still obviously am not over the whole relationship yet. I felt the need to remain loyal to this girl that showed she wasn’t as loyal. I held on to who she was before and I wasn’t just going to move on when I was still in love… That’s unfair to anyone I went out with. Thinking I liked them because I’m TELLING them how much I like them when really, I’m still in love with my ex. No way, I’d never do that. I’m healing right now and doing a hell of a lot better than last time. Last time it just didn’t feel right and I was very depressed. Maybe I didn’t get enough closure, maybe she hadn’t proved to be a different girl than how I remembered like she did this last time. So I was still upset and I wasn’t going to move on right away.
Well she was different, and now after seeing that picture it kind of shows how loyal I was all along and how she really was. She moved on right away. When we got back together I didn’t even know about it because she lied to me about it. When we got back together we talked a lot about every thing and it took me a month to finally say fine, we should try it again. Because I thought we were on a clean slate! I thought there was nothing I didn’t know because I had always been very open with her and I just suspected she did the same. But no, she was with a guy about a week after we broke up. And she told me she wasn’t breaking up with me for a guy. So while I was alone sobbing every night trying to get my shit together. She was with another guy, kissing and telling him all the things she used to tell me. I asked her about that guy after we started talking again and she told me lies about him.
There’s even more to tell when it comes to other guys but I won’t get into it. But she is really messed up. Her excuses to me about that guy was she was trying to “replicate our relationship” with him. Makes no fucking sense to me but okay. And how I even learned about this guy (because I never would have if I didn’t see this.) Was she wrote this long thing on Facebook about how he makes her happy and how she’s looking forward to their future and she thanked him for waiting three years for her and that she PROMISED him that it’d be worth it. She even mentioned me and said that I was the past, he was the present. She even said she thought about him a lot this whole time… Though we weren’t together at the time she wrote that, it was a week after we broke up. How can you say those things after we broke up after 2 years almost and we had been through so much? And I was here crying like a baby over her being I stilled loved her and she was there saying this stuff…
It hurt a lot to see. I saw that a month after we broke up after we had gotten back. We had been together again for two weeks and I was actually very happy those two weeks and I actually had my insecurity under control because she had promised me she would stay by my side forever and she wouldn’t do anything unloyal. I really believed her but then I saw all that and realized that this was a bad idea. In my rage and pain,
I actually messaged the guy she was with and simply asked what happened with him and her. That’s all I asked but I really wanted to say much more. I then sent her s ton of messages just spewing out my feelings amd how messed up I felt and how I couldn’t believe she lied to me. I wanted to break uo with her right then and there but I wanted to hear her excuses and I wanted to hear the reasoning why this sweet, loyal, amazing girl who I once knew turned out to be like this. She was surprised I found out and she just kept saying this is her fault for NOT DELETING the post. She was just concerned I found out rather than what she did. She said she didn’t want me to know because it’d hurt me… Uhhh duh? But she did other stuff too and I let that all go. That’s what you do for a clean slate, throw it all out there and then start over. I was still extremely upset and mad and so I just broke up with her. She really didn’t try to fight it like she once would have. She just said bye… Her excuses were that she was trying to replicate our relationship, as I said. And another was that she wanted everyone to think she was happy..? Sooo she started dating a guy and would hug and kiss him and tell everyone how happy she is so that they wouldn’t know how sad she claims she was about me. Yeah, really dumb and the. and now I still think those excuses are the absolute worst. Anyone in their right mind would just say “okay, I’m done with this shit. ” But I wasn’t in my right mind. I was blinded by a love we had that died months before.
I’m someone who really needs closure. I need to feel like it ended and everything was said and everything was done that needed to be done before it ended. So I messaged her again which clearly was stupidity on my part but it definitely wasn’t the only stupid thing I’ve done in that relationship. And SOMEHOW even after her lame excuse. I fucking took her back. I made her promise there wasn’t anything else I didn’t know. But yes, we all know now how reliable her promises are. She made promises to that guy as well and look how that ended. But. I was blind, so I took her promise and we were together again.
Each night I’d go to sleep crying, thinking about all the stuff she’s done to me. I was worn down. I was exhausted from all this pain I’ve felt. I loved her unconditionally, that means that I loved her no matter what, whatever condition she was in or I was in, I’d love her. But look at what I got from it. A stab in my heart several times, lies told to my face just like my dad would do. Betrayal from the girl who I love. But I still tried to stay strong and just hope things would turn out okay.
I know you are probably thinking I’m an absolute idiot. But keep in mind, she used to be so different. She would stay up late talking to me and she would feel my pain if I was upset. She would look up at me with these eyes… That just were soaked in love. She did everything for me and she really cared for me. I had never met anyone like her before. So I just wanted the old her so so bad. We started talking a week after we broke up And during that month before we got back together, we still talked. And it felt JUST like the old times. It felt so amazing I can’t even describe how good it felt. But I guess she was with that guy a week after we broke up. So we were talking then… Always little things I realize later on that makes it hurt even more. Anyways, so I was blinded by the vision of her old self. That is why I gave her so many chances. I was weak, I knew I was weak and deep down I knew it was all a bad idea but I still loved her.
We were together a few days after I found out about that guy. Each day I just kept realizing more and more things (just like I did in the last paragraph.) And I’d send her long paragraphs about how this happened and then that happened, bla bla. She just wouldn’t reply much and she would change the subject.
After class one day, I got a message from that guy. Remember I said I messaged him in my rage after learning about them? He actually was pretty nice and I got really warm and my heart was pounding. I asked him a ton of questions and he answered them all. He tokd me a lot of things… I actually believed him because the things he said my girlfriend did and said sounded a lot like her. And he had no reason to lie to me. I was so hurt yet again. I called her and started yelling. Half crying, half trying to get my words right because I was so upset. She denied a majority of what he said but I wasn’t having it. I hadn’t felt right at all after I found out about them. I knew she hadn’t told me everything. The worst part is when I was yelling, I barely made it a block as I was walking before she just said “ugh do yoy just want to break up then?” I thought she had promised we’d be together forever and we’d work out our problems. We didn’t agree to break up every time we have a fight. But that was the solution she came up with before I even said everything I needed to. I yelled at her all the way home pretty much. We hung up for a few minutes because she was “tired” (lame excuse #294757) but she was on facebook instantly after we hung up. This wasn’t bothering her at all that I was upset… Then we skyped when I got home. As she saw me the old her that is still in her somewhere, smiled. But I didn’t.
I glared at her and I said a few things but not much. I had said most of what I wanted to on my way home. I just stared at her… Wondering to myself who the fuck is this girl. What happened to my princess? This girl is someone else, an imposter, this girl killed the girl I loved. She asked if I still loved her. I said “yes, but I have no reason to.” And I didn’t, other than the love I held so close that I had for the old her. But not for this girl she is now. I hung up and I just said “just go back on your facebook, bye. ” Those were my last words to her.
She claimed earlier that she had to get up early the next morning to go somewhere. She called me kind of early her time the next day and she sounded normal in her voice message. Talking about her xbox being lost and stuff. She called again saying she found it and she told me to text her. Obviously I was asleep. I woke up actually and listened to these messages but I was tired and I didn’t care to text her this early. I was still mad and upset and I didn’t feel the need to show her I was willing to text her this early. I saw she messaged me on facebook but all it showed was “Cameron.. ” I thought that’s all she sent but later on I saw there was a long message of her saying she didn’t want to hurt me anymore and we need to end the relationship. She still thought she was going to do the same thing again. She was not planning on changing. I tried to reply but she had blocked me. Good, I would have given her another chance anyways.
I needed this push. I needed to be blocked because when I blocked her before I still could unblock and message her. I was sort of sad but only because I missed the old her. I still do and I always will. The girl she used to be will always be my first love. I will never forget that girl. I’m sad that it ended the way it did with such pain and betrayal. But I still will have the memories of the old her in my head. I will never regret being with her. It gave me wonderful, new experiences that I will always have. It taught me a lot about mywelf and who I am. It revealed to me what my demons are and what I need to strive NOT to be as well. I’ll always be thankful for the opportunities she gave me and the life we once shared. I hope one day I will feel the same feelings I once felt for the girl she once was. Until then, I’ll just take my time. Healing, making friends, pushing myself to become the person I want to be in life.