My Trip: Day 13

No more wake up calls in our room.  Though we do have to take our bags down to the lobby at 9:15 and then get on a bus at 9:30. Not sure if it’ll be a coach bus with another guide or what.  But we’re going to a monastery and then I guess we just walk around.  Today may be the last day I hang out with the girls but I’m not sure. I’m not excited to have to spend a couple more days with just my grandma and I’m not excited for the super long trip back home.  But oh well,  I won’t remember any of the bad stuff of this trip later in life.  I’ll only remember the good. 

Well the monastery was pretty lame to be honest.  We drove like an hour or more just to get to it and we stopped an unnecessary amount of times.  And the new guide talked the entire time.  She knows a lot,  I’ll give her that.  But still.  The drive just didn’t seem worth it.  I wish we just did our own thing today.  But the monastery was pretty old and I guess it looked pretty cool.  We saw a few monks and stuff.  It was all a pretty religious place.  Lots and lots of information was given to us about it. I don’t think I retained any of it though.  

On the way back we went to a restaurant and it was pretty good.  I got a chicken fillet.  One of the girls ordered a chicken skewer and the waiter asked if she wanted one. She said yes assuming he meant one serving or one plate but when the food came she only had one single skewer.  I feel like that happens a lot in Europe.  If that sort of thing happened in America the waiter would have asked if they specifically wanted a single skewer.  I bet Europeans think we’re so dumb because we ask for stuff that isn’t right because we think they’re saying something else or whatever. 

On the way back the bus stopped so people could use the restroom and there was a giant stork nest.  There’s a lot of those around here for some reason.  We passed a lot that were on the telephone poles.  They’re really big and many storks sit in them.  It’s kind of cool to see.  They may not be storks but whatever.  I have no idea. 

We finally got to our new hotel and it’s definitely no 4-5 star hotel like we’ve been having, but that’s fine, it’s not that bad.  We’re here for two nights.  I pretty much layed down and stayed there for the rest of the night.  I haven’t rested that much on this trip other than going on the bus.  Plus nobody invited me to go anywhere so I just stayed laying down to text my girlfriend for a while.  Sort if a boring day.  Probably my least favorite day of tge trip but oh well.  The trip is almost over and it’s different when we don’t have a set schedule each day.  

These past two weeks went by so quickly.  Thinking back to staying in Vienna our first couple days it feels like that was so long ago.  But thinking about the whole trip as a whole it feels like it went by fast. If the trip will be like it was today then I’m excited to get home.  But I’ll still miss Europe when I’m gone.  Who knows when I’ll be back. 


My Trip

Yesterday was the anniversary of the first of many times I was heart broken. But my life is different now.  Things have changed and I didn’t waste my time dwelling on the past. 365 days later I have my girlfriend now who supports me and makes me feel better when I’m feeling down.  And instead of touring a university,  I’m getting ready to go on my trip. 

I’m going on in two days.  I’ll be going to Europe, I’ll be going to Croatia,  Bulgaria,  Austria,  and a few others.  and I plan to blog each day that I’ll be there.  I’m sure there will be many angry posts because I’m going with just my grandma who I do not have a very good relationship with.  She invited me in hopes that maybe our relationship will get better but with my very stubborn and easy to hold grudges attitude I know that’s not going to happen.  I can’t stand to be in a room with her for an hour,  I know that I’ll be half insane by the end of this trip.  But who could say no to Europe right?  I have wanted to go all of my life.  I will try not to let her get to me.  Though that’s a lot easier said than done.  

But I’ll try to explain my day thoroughly and full of detail.  I’m also bringing my camera so I’ll get good pictures of all the sights I’ll see.  I haven’t even researched any of these places so we’ll see how it goes.  

Letting go

Letting go of the past does not involve checking up on it, or looking back at it and letting the memories fill you.  No,  you can do that years later once you’ve let go but never during the process. 

Letting go shouldn’t involve talking,  thinking,  reminiscing,  dwelling,  crying,  regretting,  anything from the past.  

Letting go means dropping everything.  It means forgetting the bad and the good.  Again,  you can think about it all later if you want. But you probably won’t,  you’ll forget it eventually. 

Letting go is hard,  especially if your past seems like it was better than your present.  But sometimes in order to have a better future you need to think of your past as a dream.  Let it go,  imagine it as if you are just now waking up and you can faintly remember the dream you had but not really.  Wake up and forget the dream.  Go live your life and create new dreams.  

Holidays After a Loss

Loss can come in many different forms.  Usually when someone talks about a loss in their life, you would assume a loved one of theirs has passed.  Well  that isn’t always the case. 

I recently went to a class that my grandma goes to to be able to talk about the loss of her son.  Well the theme of the class I went to of hers one night was getting through the holidays after a loss in your life. Going to the class,  I just assumed every one there also had a family member die.  But some one in our group had just gotten a divorce.  It made me think that a divorce or separation can be traumatic just like a death of some one can be. Both scenarios you’re losing someone that you might have been with every day for a very long time.  Either way you are losing someone possibly significant to you and you may not want a divorce/separation to happen.  In that case thsy are very similar in the sense that someone is sort of being ripped away from your life… 

Lately I have been feeling more and more depressed. I have gotten into that fucking mood again, where  I can’t stop thinking about what i was doing a year ago.  I know I said I’d stop talking about my ex and I know that helped.  But just this once,  I’m just going to bring her up again because I’ve been thinking of this a lot and I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it.  

This time last year…  I was in Illinois.  It was my first time ever being away from home,  away from family and the town that I love for the holidays.  But I was happy,  I was going to be spending Christmas with the girl who I loved.  Come new years eve it was going to be our anniversary.  I had never been with a girl for a year before and I was just so happy that I had been with this one for so long. I felt like we had been doing alright.  Despite the distance, and any of the other struggles we had to work out.  I was grateful to have someone like her.  

Maybe I was dumb,  maybe I was infatuated in the idea that we could be in love forever.  That we could have this overwhelming feeling of warmth and happiness filling us up with every touch.  

Maybe both.  

Looking back,  I now know she was not for me.  She was incredibly immature. She was young,  probably too young to be quiet honest. But I did love her.  I’ve been thinking about it the past few days.  Whether or not I actually loved her… I did.  

This was the young love that I’m certain many of you older,  matured readers can relate to having in your life.  This was that love that left me wondering who I would be with out it.  It was the love that was so fun yet,  so unrealistic.  It was never going to work out.  I’m sure if you asked us back then if we thought we’d work out.  We’d look appalled at the thought of us NOT working out.  We were close minded and stupid.  

Yet,  I still feel upset about it.  I now know all of these things that I could not for the life of me,  see before.  But I still feel upset.  I still feel depressed to think that it’s gone now.  I feel bothered when thinking about how HAPPY I was last Christmas break.  To have somebody who loves me and care for me.  And now they’re gone. 

It all went downhill after our one year mark. That’s one thing that reassures me for after these fucking holidays.  I will no longer have happy memories from a 365 day’s past.  I will no longer look back and say things were better last year.  No,  after new years eve.  I can remember all the shit that began.  All the drama and the stress and the anxiety that she caused in my life.  Sure,  I could say things were better two years ago. But that’s absurd,  who compares their life to their life two years in the past?  Maybe people do,  but I’m going to keep telling myself how absurd it is. 

I will have to tough out this holiday season and hope things go for the best.  I may do some (or a lot)  of drinking on new years eve but this is the first year that I will be one of those “new year’s, new me” people.  I hope to better myself after new years.  I will leave the past behind. I will put everything about my ex onto a flash drive and put it in my little box of things.  And I will delete everything about her on my computer,  on my google plus,  on everything.  I will move on and find someone new.  

Because maybe it’s just the feeling of having somebody love me that I miss so much.  Maybe it’s not her but simply how she made me feel.  Well,  I’m not a druggee,  I’m not an addict,  I’m not missing how a drug made me feel even though I know they’re toxic to my body.  

No,  I’m not.  

So I need to just tough it out.  Tough everything out.  This is is life.  Life has its ups and downs.  I just need to keep on moving.  Keep on living.  Keep on trying to find myself in this vast world we live in.  It may take time,  but that’s okay.

  I can wait.  

My Birthday 

It’s going to my my 20th birthday this Tuesday. I feel like this is a significant birthday. I’ve been a teenager since I turned 13. I remember turning 13 and it was a big deal because I had finally become a teenager. 
Now, a new beginning in my life. No longer a teen, but a young adult. A time where I need to be mature. I need to view life differently. I like to make this joke to my friends who have turned 20 already.  I tell them “well you can’t do anything stupid anymore.  You’re no longer a teen,  you’re no longer invincible. You can die now!” Because people like to say that teens think they’re invincible.  They think they can do whatever they want.  Obviously that’s not true with being invincible but I’m serious when I say I can’t be stupid anymore.  I don’t have to worry about not being reckless or rebellious.  But I do have to realize that I’m in the prime of my youth.  I need to make sure I stay healthy,  exercise.  But also worry about my social life.  Because if I don’t get some better social skills then I won’t create any memories or establish any connections with anyone. I have good friends but I need to get better at talking. 

I have come a long.  I have been on this planet for 20 years.  I have survived.  I’ve survived heart break,  I’ve survived depression,  I’ve survived high school and I have also accomplished a good amount if things.  I’ve been going to college for four years.  I’ve driven a cross the state to live somewhere totally different.  I’ve made friends from many different places on this earth.  I’ve flown a cross the country alone to see someone I had only met online.  I’ve lost friends and gained friends.  Even gained friends back after losing them for years.

I can remember times where I didn’t know how my future would be.  Or if I wanted a future.  I never really predicted my future being how it is now but I’m glad I stuck in there.  I’m glad I’ve been able to live and experience the life I’ve lived so far.  I don’t have a whole lot of regrets.  Maybe a few but those regrets will just make my future choices smarter and I believe I have learned from my mistakes.  

I am thankful for my life and I look forward to the next 20 years.  

I Can’t Wait

I can’t wait to have more friends.  A small group of people who care about me and invite me to hang out with them. Sometimes individuals from the group will just ask me to hang out so we can have one on one bonding time.  I can’t wait to have lunch with these people and hang out all through out the weekend.  Maybe they will have similar majors as me or just taking a same class so we can study together and my grades will improve.  These people will be reliable and trustworthy and I can look to them if I need any help or just people to talk to. They will joke around with me and include me in everything because we’ll all be good friends.  

I can’t wait to have a girlfriend.  A perfect match for me. A girl who will look at me like I am the best thing on the planet to her.  Someone who will brag about me to her friends.  She will play video games with me,  hopefully because she likes to but if she doesn’t normally play video games then I hope she still will play with me because she knows I love it.  And hopefully she will begin to enjoy playing them,  with me at least.  She will be out going and she’ll MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON.  she will make me come out of my shell and I will just be an overly positive,  better person when I’m with her.  She will make me see the world differently.  She will have flaws just like anyone and my love for her will just ignore them.  I hope she shares the same lack of- religious views so we have less things to disagree on.  She won’t care about my quiet and introverted personality.  She will know everything about me and hopefully she will have a lot in common with me.  She will be like my other half,  knowing everything I like and also liking what I like too,  hopefully.  She will be my best friend and life partner.  

I can’t wait to feel happy.  To feel like I belong in this world.  To feel like I have a purpose in living.  To feel like what I’m doing in life isn’t a huge waste of time.  I want to feel happy in my present and not just happy day dreaming about the future or reliving happy moments of my past. I want to be so happy that I don’t even think much about my future because I don’t want NOW to end.  I can’t wait to feel like a normal person,  doing what I have to do in school but still have a life outside of school.  Getting a job and earning money.  Being able to feel like I’m a responsible adult rather than some kid living off of his grandparents. 

I can’t wait to stop relying on people. I can’t wait to live alone and be responsible for EVERYTHING. I can’t wait to have bad things happen and be able to say “this is okay,  I can handle this” rather than have someone help me through it. 

I can’t wait to have a family.  I can’t wait to marry the girlfriend I mentioned earlier.  I can’t wait for us to decide we are emotionally/financially/ maturely  ready to start a family.  I want to live with her alone for a while before we decide this.  So we can enjoy life to ourselves before we go decades having it never be just the two of us anymore.  I can’t wait for her to tell me she’s pregnant.  I can’t wait to wait a while but then tell EVERYONE.  I can’t wait to think of creative ways to announce her being pregant.  We can take a really funny picture to post on facebook so all of our friends and family see.  I can’t wait for the baby to grow and I can feel her/him kick.  I can’t wait to touch her belly 24/7. Kissing it,  rubbing it,  singing/talking to it.  I can’t wait to tell her how beautiful she is despite how shitty she feels about how fat she’s gotten.  I can’t wait to hold her hand while she’s screaming and calling me and the doctor every name in the book as she’s pushing to get that baby out if there.  I can’t wait for her to break my hand because she’s squeezing it so tight.  I can’t wait to be near passing out with anxiety and excitement,  looking at her and telling her it’s okay.  I can’t wait for our beautiful baby to come out and see my wife holding her/him and looking at me and smiling.  Her eyes telling me everything,  “this is our baby. ” I can’t wait for us to get married.  Before or after the baby,  I don’t care.  I can’t wait to stand at the end of the aisle and see my beautiful bride walking down the aisle towards me with her dad.  I can’t wait to take that mental picture and keep it with me until I die.  I can’t wait to say “I do” with such conviction that nobody could ever think that I didn’t mean it.  I want to go on a unique honey moon and not some cliché honey moon place, Fuck Hawaii.  I can’t wait for our kid’s first day of school.  My wife and I holding each other’s sweaty hands as we anxiously let our kid’s hand go finally to let her/him leave us. I can’t wait for that first day to finally end so we can rush back an hour early because we’re so excited to see our grown up baby come out of school and tell us about her/his day.  I can’t wait for it to never get easier seeing our baby grow up.  I can’t wait for us to plan to have another baby. To tell our first baby and ask what she/he thinks about being a big sibling.  I can’t wait to hear those beautiful words again.  “I’m pregant. ” 

I can’t wait for that part to start all over.  

I can’t wait for our babies to all be out of the house.  I can’t wait for my queen and I to be together again alone, after all of these years.  To be together after all the easy times and hard.  To be able to say we did it.  We said “fuck statistics! ” when people told us the divorce rate of our generation.  To be able to say we raised amazing kids who will hopefully visit us once a day, no…  Week,  Yeah week sounds good.  I can’t wait to tell her “I love you” every single day for 10-20-30-40-50 years.  I can’t wait to look back at our younger,  stupid selves and she will talk about how handsome I used to be while I laugh and hug her.  Saying “baby,  I think you have gotten more beautiful with age. ” I can’t wait to see our grandchildren and spoil them like CRAZY.  I can’t wait to buy them super loud toys for their birthdays just to piss off our kids. To get into our car laughing after the party. After seeing our kid and their spouse’s angry face seeing their child banging on the drum set we bought them.  We will grow older,  I can’t wait… To be able to go on vacations now as a retired couple and truly enjoy the world we live in.  I can’t wait to grow older and older with her.  Seeing the world change as our bodies become weak.  I can’t wait…  To be at my death bed, looking at everyone around me.  With grief on their face,  as I’m beaming with joy to see the love that I have experienced and created amongst these friends and family.  I can’t wait to die,  knowing that I have left this world exactly how I was meant to.  After living the life I always wanted.  Being loved by these amazing people.

I can’t wait.  
(This is my form of a utopion future.  Realistic or not,  this is what a perfect life would be to me.  Of course there are tiny details I didn’t mention but these are the main things.)