New Beginnings

Today’s the last night that I will be living with my grandparents.  Tomorrow I drive the boring,  8 hour drive back home. Never to return here, to live anyways.  I can’t help but feel really bad.  I know they think it’s their fault that I’m leaving.  I just don’t know how to explain to them about myself.  My anxiety and just my incapability to live away from my home town.  I was never able to really explain to them about it all.  I know that I’ll leave them with unanswered questions and I feel really bad about that.  

I just need to find my way in life.  I know in my heart that this isn’t it.  I didn’t do well in school here at all because I was so focused on doing what I felt that they expected of me.  I was on a schedule each day that I set myself to fit what they just expected me to do.  I stayed upstairs with them each night because I was scared to go downstairs and hear them ask me why I’m not staying to watch the next show with them.  

In no way did they expect me to do anything but succeed in school,  which was ironically the only thing I failed at.  Instead I just tried to follow the daily pattern that my irrational thoughts kept me doing.  I just need to go home,  get a job,  and really take a step back and look at what I need to do.  Maybe I’ll take a year off to work,  I know for sure I’m going to retake the stats class I failed.  I need my Associates degree at the very least.  I know what my major is,  I know my main goal.  At least I will always have that.  I guess It’s good I’m not like some kids just trying to figure out what they want to do.  I’ve had this goal since high school and I’ve stuck to it.  I guess that’s something.  

I have a couple plans for this year that will require me to go out of my comfort zone.  I’m looking forward to them and hope that they will provide me with experiences and stories to tell.  I hope this year will be possibly a life changing one.  At the very least it will open my eyes a little I hope.  

Here’s to new beginnings.  

This Blog is About Me

Read it in my bio or whatever it’s called,  “Started this for a girl,  continuing it for me. ” I started this blog so I’d have something to do while my ex spent hours working on her blog. Because I guess it was really that hard to not talk to her for such a period of time.  I started it mainly to just kill time and also maybe to show her I wasn’t just some gaming nerd but that I had a bit of an ability to write.  

I use this blog as a way to vent basically.  I use it to reflect on myself,  my life,  my worries and fears,  my constant times I change my mind about a view on something,  etc.  I don’t hold back anything on this blog.  I let everything out about myself.  I couldn’t care less what people think of me after reading this blog because I know that I’m writing the truth about myself.  So if they have a problem with that then just don’t read it.  

I know it seems like I use this to bash my exes (or ex in particular)  And I most certainly did that after the relationship ended.  You can clearly see I wasn’t in my right mind after it ended.  I won’t delete any of those posts so go ahead,  read them and see how badly I was hurt around the beginning of fall.  And how badly I reacted to it all. I don’t regret anything I said but It’s not like I’m proud of any of it.  

Though I did use this to bash my ex before…  I don’t do it anymore. My last post about not changing may seem like it was a way to throw in a few insults to my exes but honestly that’s not what I was intending to do.  It really was just me being concerned about myself.  Even though my last relationship was the only relationship I’ve ever taken seriously and it was actual love and all that good stuff.  It ended exactly like the relationship before it.  And contained things from all my past relationships. But the ending of it was such a shock,  and a disappointment to me.  And something I truly never saw coming. (maybe a little towards the end) that I categorize it as worse than any of my other relationships. It wasn’t even a teaching moment.  Because if it were,  it wouldn’t have been just like the relationship before it.  It would have been different. And I don’t know if I’ve learned anything from it because I haven’t had much if a chance to see yet.  So because of all that,  I blame myself for always dating the same types of girls.  That’s what I was saying in my last post.  It was just me blaming myself. 

Where I’m Living

I moved a crossed the state that I live in so that I could go to the university that I’m attending. The only reason I even applied to this university was solely because I thought my grandparents lived close to it and I thought it would be a great decision financially.  I also figured getting out of my home town for a little while might be good for me. (despite how much I love my home town.)  I figured I should try ti get away from the town that I’ve lived in all my life,  it’d be an adventure.  I also thought that pushing myself to move away and do new things might help me with my anxiety and maybe I’d be able to do more things now that I’ve experienced such a change…

Well I hate it here.  

As soon as I drove into this little town I knew I fucking hated it.  I’ve been here before many times but that was always when I was on vacation here to see my grandparents,  never to live.  You can go visit the shittiest of towns and still probably find something fun to do but it’s different if you’re living there.  It’s an old,  run down,  town full of rednecks and farmers and conservatives.  I’m a fucking hippy,  I’m from a super liberal,  peaceful,  organic food everywhere,  town and this place is nothing like that.  

And as far as the main reason why I even moved here,  so I didn’t have to pay for a dorm. No,  I don’t have to pay rent,  not yet anyways.  But as far as thinking my grandparents lived close to the university,  they live a fucking hour away.  I have to drive an hour every day just to go to class.  And Mondays and fridays I only have ONE CLASS. That’s only 50 minutes.  So I drive an hour there and back just so I can go to a 50 minute class. It’s a huge waste of time and gas money.  

Also in regards to driving to school,  The town that I live in is in a valley,  but you have to drive up a big hill and out of the valley in order to go to my school.  And the town my school is in snows a LOT in the winter.  My grandpa told me once you get out of the valley it’s like a different world.  And it definitely is but apparently it doesn’t usually even snow in the valley but just my love,  it’s snowed a ton here thia winter.  I couldn’t even go up the hill that our street is on today.  And driving to school is so fucking stressful.  Pretty sure it’s stressful for anybody but times that amount if stress a few times because I stress out over everything. 

I love my grandparents and they love me.  But they have lived here my whole life.  They haven’t gotten to really know me and I guess maybe they don’t understand me well.  I guess maybe I don’t understand them either.  We’re two differenf kinds of people and living here has been pretty uncomfortable for me.  I just feel like…  I can’t be myself here.  my room’s downstairs and my game systems are also downstairs so I’m down there a good amount of time. But I would be more than happy to come up here and hang out with them if they wanted me to. I just wake up kind of late and then I feel super anxious that they’ll judge me for doing that.  Then I get myself all anxious about them judging me on other things.  Then by the time I’m calmed down I realize they will probably judge me for being downstairs so long.  So I just stay down there.  If they were to call me to come upstairs  I totally would. I don’t want them to think I dislike them because I don’t.  I just don’t know them and I don’t feel comfortable being myself around them.  It fucking sucks,  all of it. 

I miss my home.  I visited my home town for about a month and I was so happy.  I used to be sad that I was alone back at home but now I know what true loneliness is being here because I have absolutely no one here.  All of my friends are back home.  Even if none of them want to hangout,  I would be HOME.  I can drive or walk around and visit my favorite places.  I can do anything and feel at peace and at home.  Here I can’t do anything.  I don’t know my way around and I just hate this town so why would I want to go anywhere.  

I can’t even make any friends because well one,  I can’t talk.  And two,  because I don’t stay in the town my school is in very long so there’s no way I could meet anyone or hangout unless I wanted to drive an hour just to do so.  I already kind of explained this last post though.  

I seriously cry myself to sleep maybe…4 of the 7 days of the week.  Last night I got like,  4 hours of sleep because of it. Because if stress,  because of bad memories,  because I really hate how my life has ended up.  I KNOW I’m very lucky to have the things I have.  To have a family that is willing to allow me to live with them.  To be able to have an education at a nice university.  I know,  so don’t tell me I’m ungrateful or that I’m sad over nothing.  Because I can be sad about anything I want.  I can dislike how my life has become.  I thought it’d be better by now and it hasn’t so I can and will be upset.  

I want to go home but this is life.  Not like going home will solve all my problems.  It won’t make my life suddenly better.  So I just have to deal with it. 

Some positive thoughts

I’m waiting outside in the warm sun for my next class so I figured I’d write some positive things rather than this sad shit I’ve been writing lately.  
So my uncle killed himself.  (Great start Cameron!)  No,  but that’s all extremely horrible and the worst thing that could happen,  especially to my grandma.  Who didn’t know how sad he was.  But despite the horrible circumstance,  I have seen a ton of people come and go through our house.  Friends,  family,  long time acquaintances,  you name it.  Love and support has poured into our home from all of these people. There’s lots of sadness of course but some of these people my grandma hasn’t seen in YEARS,  and they are taking time out of their day to stop by,  make food for us,  help us in any way they can just to show that they are sorry for what happened and that they love us.  

Relating to this same situation;  I’m extremely atheist and I just don’t believe in any of that stuff.  (I’m not an asshole atheist,  I don’t care what religion you are as long as you don’t try to push me into it or try to convert me.)  On the other hand my grandma is very religious,  plays the piano every sunday for her church.  She’s gone to the same church with the same people for many years. So with this thing happening to her son she is very worried about him going to Heaven or not.  Anyways,  I clearly am not into religion and I will never be religious.  BUT I have always said that I know it really helps some people.  It gives people hope and gives them a sense of relief when bad things happen. When bad things happen to me I have myself and other friends and family to rely on.  I don’t have an omnipotent being watching over me and dictating how my life goes.  So yeah,  I suppose things are a bit harder for atheists because they kind of don’t have something to give them relief as fast.  ANYWAYS,  (I keep getting distracted. Sorry)  It’s been interesting for me.  Watching all of these pretty religious people talking.  Watching how religion works in some people’s lives.  How it can totally calm down people and give them reasons for why stuff happens…  As I mentioned,  my grandma was scared my uncle wouldn’t “be let through the doors” and she had her pasture (minister?  can’t remember)  come to our home and have dinner with us.  He instantly went to some verse or something in the Bible and it was about suicide basically.  How the bad stuff (depression)  will be cleansed and they will go to heaven.  And my grandma who was crying heavily,  calmed down and began to feel better.  So I don’t know,  this is a positive thing for me because it’s a new experience that I’m not used to.  It’s nice to see how things work even if I don’t believe them myself. 

I’m going to be joining some clubs at my college.  I found an anime club that I am going to give a chance.  I was really really turned against anime in high school because the people who watch anime tend to be very….  Unique,  to say the least.  And I didn’t want ti be seen like that because I guess I cared how people thought of me more than I really knew.  But a good friend at my old work and also the infamous (not really.)  ex I’ve been mentioning lately introduced me to animes and I actually really like them.  So both going to a club and a club about ANIME is something way out of my norm. In high school I wouldn’t step foot in any club.  Why do a club when I can just be at home sitting in some corner playing games?  And although my mind set is similar to that still.  I need some friends!  I’m on the very other end of my state and I don’t know anyone here.  I want to meet people who have common interests.  I went to a community college back at my town for 3 years and I didn’t make one friend,  and the classes there were super small compared to here. So it should have been easier.  But now I am going to try to make an effort to make friends because I really don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want to walk around this town and go eat places and play games with people who I consider friends.  I want to at least have a group of people who invite me places.  I am considering this a positive thing because I’m actually putting forth effort to make friends and I am proud of myself.  I’m also proud of myself for watching anime and not caring about what people think of that.  

I may add some more things to this later but those are some things I am feeling positive about.  I don’t want to be entirely known as the blog that’s all about being depressed and losing a girl.  I mean,  I used to be kind of postive,  back when I had that girlfriend who convinced me to get this blog in the first place.  I kind of just want people to see what I write and either relate or just be interested.  Then again I do write a ton.  I wonder if people read these till the end?  I have only been typing for 25 minutes and I have a ton written.  I just get carried away and type what I think.