Life and Death

A month and a half ago we learned that my grandma had cancer. She had been coughing a lot for a long time and I guess nobody thought much of it. Then she began to have a weird, raspy voice and so they want to the doctors to see what was wrong. Thinking it was bronchitis, they were pretty surprised to hear that the doctors found something in her lungs that had been spreading for what looked like a long time.

The month following that was probably the longest month of both of their lives. They learned the spreading was cancer and that it basically spread everywhere. At first the cancer doctor’s priorities were to put radiation on the lungs. I mean you need your lungs to breathe right? But then they learned that there was a tiny spot of stage 3 cancer in my grandma’s brain. So that obviously needed their attention first. But wait there’s more; They found that a lot of cancer had gotten into her legs and was eating away at the bone. She needed that fixed because her legs could just break as she was walking. Finally after giving her some different medicines her face started to swell and her neck and she was having a hard time breathing. Apparently that wasn’t supposed to happen and the doctors saw that grandma was getting some sort of big mass around her throat. So after many, many priority changes they went to fix that right away or she would just suffocate and die.

She went to cancer treatment every day for pretty much the entire day. It was exhausting for both of them and really took a toll. Something that needs to be mentioned is my grandpa is pretty lazy. He usually spends his days on his recliner, takes three naps, and has grandma do everything for him. Well when this all happened grandpa completely took over and he helped grandma with every little thing she needed. He had all the times and schedules for when their appointments were and he would take her to them and stay with her all day long. He truly rose to the challenge and she would have been lost without him. He had to learn how to do everything she’s been doing all 47 years of their marriage. Ranging from doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc but he has started to get it all down.

After I think it was 14 radiation treatments on her legs, she got a bunch more on her lungs and brain. But after the brain one my grandpa described it as her brain was mad at her for them zapping it with the radiation and so it was sending pain to her entire body. She was in a vast amount of pain and there wasn’t much anyone could do.

She was also starting to be pretty loopy from the meds she was taking. Grandpa saw her trying to use scissors to trim her eye brows but not those normal ones and she was not using them safety. Then he found her applying 7-Up on her face as make up. Grandpa was beginning to realize that all this fighting to help her, these appointments and attempts to postpone the inevitable, were probably not going to help keep his wife alive much longer.

Yesterday at 4:30 AM, Grandpa heard that grandma needed to use the restroom so he got up and got her walker to help her. He was getting it and turned around and saw her standing on her own trying to walk. She fell and hit her head really hard. He couldn’t get her back on the bed so he rolled her on her back and called the ambulance. It was a good thing that this happened because it showed the doctors that I guess fluid had been getting into her brain and lungs (I think, may be wrong) and that there really wasn’t much to do. My mom came over to my dad’s to tell us the news and that grandma will pass away.

So I took my siblings and we went to go to the hospital. As we arrived, my grandpa had actually just arrived to from getting some stuff from his house and taking a rest after not sleeping the entire night. He hugged us hard and we walked upstairs to see grandma. We got in and her sister who hasn’t seen her in a while was there sitting beside her along with my uncle. Grandma’s eyes were closed and she looked white. Her hair so thin, and she looked very small. She’s always small but she lost 31 pounds on top of being small already. I’d never seen her like that.

The once bubbly, loving, inappropriate joke telling, child-like, grandma figure to all, lady is now on her death bed. I have been fortunate enough to live 21 years with out facing a loss as close as this. Minus my uncle who I didn’t know well. But I saw my grandma weekly. She came to watch my sister every Monday and Tuesday. I can’t imagine how my sister feels. She’s so young and she was close to my grandma. She didn’t get to know her as long as I did.

We stayed in that room for 5 hours. Grandma was heavily medicated so she didn’t really say anything or wake up. Sometimes she’d said my grandpa’s name and he’d hold her hand. But towards the end of the night she started to say “mom, mom, mom. ” constantly under her breath. She was close to her mother. If you believe in that sort of thing you could say she was beginning to see her.

When me and my siblings were going to leave, my mom and grandpa left the room and the three of us rubbed grandma’s hand and said goodbye. My sister was about to cry and my heart broke seeing such a young girl like her have to see and deal with something like that. I left thinking that might be the last time we ever see grandma alive. And I hope my siblings understood that as well.

We’re going back today. Maybe she’ll be awake and be able to talk. Or maybe we’ll never see that again.


Happy Three Year

Wow.  Well considering how fucked up I was last new years I’d say this one is a step up.  This year has been a pretty damn good one.  I drove home for good from the eastern side of my state where I was going to University.  I regret going to the university.  I feel like it was a big waste of time but I guess I’m glad I went way out of my comfort zone to go there alone.

But as soon as I arrived home I feel like things started to look up for me.  I met my new girlfriend who I have learned from past mistakes not to treat like shit.  I feel like I just am done with all that.  Got it out of my system,  no more jealousy.  It’s a very nice feeling.

I went to Europe for TWO WEEKS.  Going to Europe has been something I’ve wanted for a very long time and it exceeded my expectations.  I fell in love with everything there.  Taking that big bus across many countries in Europe.  It was a dream come true.

I saw went to many concerts including my two favorite artists,  Green day and Mumford and sons.  I also saw U2, and City and Colour.  Seeing green day was a dream for me though and I was close to tears when he starting singing “Boulevard of Broken Dreams. ”

I saw the Terra Cotta Warriors at an exhibit and I feel like it was a one in a life time experience.  I learned about them in elementary school and ever since I’ve always wanted to see them in person.  They are fascinating and I’m so glad I can say I saw them.

I turned 21 and I went to Vegas to celebrate.  Which has always been my plan for my 21st and I’m so happy I stuck through with it.  I saw Cirque Du Soleil “O” and ate at very fancy restaurants,  drank $44 dollar fancy drinks and walked alone, seeing what there is to see in Sin City. Among the things I did, one of the things was taking sky diving off my bucket list.  It was the craziest thing I’ve ever done but I’m so fucking glad I did it.
So yeah,  that about sums up my year.  I’m happy that I was shown that happiness exists after you feel like it’s won’t again.

Where’s the Equality? 

August 24th,  2017

Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is the little, yet apparently complicated thing for people to grasp; Equality.  

The definition online says  it means “the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.” I just don’t t understand why this state of being isn’t as simple to achieve as it sounds. Apparently it’s just impossible for everyone to be treated the same.  

I realized as I was thinking about this is that there always has to be two or more sides.  Ever since the beginning of humans,  there has never been just one united group.  Everywhere you look,  there’s a divided group and usually a fight between the two or more groups.  

Politics… They felt the need to divide into two groups.  Why couldn’t they just have one group with multiple opinions in it?  Having two groups creates a sense of unity amongst one group but it creates enemies between the two groups. If they had just one political group then voting for who would be president would involve a lot more individual thought.  Instead of just voting for somebody because they are from your party.  It would involve people actually viewing each candidate and seeing if they share the same values.  

There’s so many examples of two sides I don’t even want to list them all but I’ll say a few.  Just everywhere you go you see a fight between two groups.  Men/women,  black/white, (even skin tone between black people, are you fucking kidding me?)  north/south,  poor/rich,  young/old, etc.  I could go on forever.  Why is it human nature to divide every single thing so that there’s fighting?  Why can’t we just live on this planet as fucking equals?  That’s how it should be.  We all share the same planet.  We are all humans who all look the exact same on the inside.  There is no reason to fight each other.  I wish people could just put on their equality glasses and realize that everyone is the same.  It’s a sad world to live in knowing people will fight you about anything.  Every one is fighting nowadays.  Whites criticizing blacks;  and for what?  because they have a different skin color.  They are fighting over a fucking color.  There is no other reason.  They hate a specific kind of human just because they have different color skin.  I just cannot wrap my head around that.  

Me personally?  I view everyone as equal.  I don’t view anyone higher or lower than me in any kind of status.  I’m an atheist and I believe that it has something to do with my views on equality.  I would never in a billion years worship somebody.  If I got strong proof that God exists.  Like some giant hand came down or something.  I would thank him for creating us,  I would have to change some of my views on science but otherwise that’s it.  I wouldn’t worship him.  I wouldn’t leave my life to be controlled by him.  Nothing,  because he is no better or worse than me.  

I got into a bit of a disagreement with my girlfriend. She said something along the lines of a guy not being able to hit a girl and I told her I believe guys should be allowed to hit a girl back if she hits him.  I told her that if a guy OR girl is immature enough instead of walking away but to hit somebody randomly or even if the person is simply making them angry. Then they deserve to face whatever they start. I don’t view women as inferior to men.  I don’t believe they are weak.  I don’t see why a guy is supposed to get hit by a girl and not do anything back.  Of course I don’t think anyone should be hitting anyone.  But as I said,  if someone wants to be that violent over nothing.  Then they should face what they started.  My girlfriend didn’t really agree.  She couldn’t see a guy hitting a girl as right. Of course it isn’t right but neither is a girl hitting a guy.  None of it is right,  none of it should be happening.  But if a girl flipped out on me for no reason and started hitting me,  I’d hit her back.  I’m not an abuser or some guy who hits people.  But I view everyone as the same.  If a guy hit me,  I’d hit him back. I don’t treat men or women any different.  I believe in equality through and through. Even in these tough type of scenarios.  

This world is so divided and there will be sides to everything you see.  But just remember we are on this earth a limited time.  We will share this earth during that time and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  Don’t waste your limited time fighting when you could spend it showing love and just enjoying your life.  Don’t worry about what other people are doing ir what they look like.  Just focus on yourself. 

My Trip: Day 17, Going home 

July 9th,  2017

Nothing to do today but fly and sit in airports.  I left our hotel in a taxi to the hotel as I said goodbye to Bucharest and soon to Europe altogether.  This was the trip of a lifetime and I probably won’t get another trip like this until I’m retired or have a long vacation from my future career. 

Travelling was an extremely fun and new experience that I will never forget.  It showed me what it’s like on the other side of the planet.  How different people live outside of America.  It made me feel small compared to this vast planet we live in. Discovery channel never really cut it for me in terms of showing how others live in Europe.  experiencing it in person is the real way of learning. Thia year has been so great so far.  I met my girlfriend and learned that my life wasn’t ao bad.  I traveled outside of the country and I lived on the other side of the state and experienced that.  I’ve really pushed myself to try new things and I’m proud of myself.  There’s more planned for me this year.  I hope to see my girlfriend this summer and I hope to go to Vegas for my 21st birthday in November and I plan to go skydiving.  I plan to go back to school in my hometown and find a job I can stay at for a long period.  

I have many plans for the future and I believe this year is the start of it all.  I needed to get travelling out of the way and broaden my horizon a little before I narrowed my sights back on school.  I needed this trip for sure.  Now all I need ia to see my girlfriend and I will be set on beginning my life.  

The first hour and a half flight was a breeze. The security in Istanbul was a breeze,  I got a pretty good sandwich and then we didn’t have to wait long for the next flight either. I got onto the next plane and remembered me and my grandma are sitting in row of three with nobody between us.  So far travelling today has been very easy.  Ans this is our long flight.  And it seems like it’ll go well.  Also I was looking at this picture of a cat I took on my trip and then I heard this meowing and I thought I was going crazy but really a passenger brought like,  three cats in their carriers and they’re meowing a lot because they’re scared.  I took a picture of one in it’s little carrier thing.  So cute.  It’s going to be meowing all flight. 

Ugh so we went on the first two flights,  one was 1 1/2 hours,  one was 10 hours.  Then our one we just got off of was 4 hours.  Too much flying for me.  Grandma didn’t plan well with the taxi at all of course.  So we’re just sitting around and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

I’ll be glad to be rid of all that once I get home.  I’m tired and just want to rest.  But this has been a good trip and I’m lucky to have been able to go.  

My Trip: Day 16

July 8, 2017

Today’s the last day that we walk around and see the sights.  Tomorrow we will be taking like,  4 different planes to get home and we will have several layovers.  Tomorrow will be the worst day of the trip most likely

We went on a tour pretty much all day.  We got picked up at 7 and we got back at 7. It was just us and a tour guide named Teo.  He was very nice and smart.  He took us to a few castles including the one that was used as the setting for Dracula’s castle.  It was not how I was expecting it to be. He took us to another castle too and it had a ton of cool looking weapons and knight armors.  I can’t remember the name of either castle though. 

The guy that wrote Dracula based Dracula off of a real guy named Vlad the impaler. Vlad was pretty bad ass. He was cool cause his castle was in the middle of a forest or something and he would go out and poison all the Wells and eating supplies along the way.  So when thousands of soldiers in the other army came for him and his little army.  They’d die of the poison or not eat or drink so they’d be starving and then he’d always have some of their men captured so he’d put their men all cut up and stuck on spikes on the way of the trail as well.  So the soldiers were starving and also going insane from seeing their friends dead and they’d get to the castle all insane and he’d just kill them.  He was smart like that.  He was also very strong.  He’d challenge his men to duals and if anyone beat him they could be the new leader.  But no one ever did obviously. He’d also be in the front of each battle and he’d never get hit or hurt at all. So they believed him to be invincible. They had a rumor that at 12 he would drink a pint of human blood.  That’s sort of where the author got it from for Dracula.  But Vlad eventually was betrayed by his brother who got a lot of money from it.  

Anyways so we saw all that and we went to a little town that I have no idea the name.  We had lunch,  I got fried chicken for some reason. I don’t even like fried chicken so I don’t get why I ordered it. It came with a garlic sauce that was strong but good.  I also got a Dracula Lemonade.  Which was red and had ginger flakes in it.  I’ve had two unique kinds of lemonade this trip.  Ginger and I also had mint in Sofia.  

Our guide was really nice but he was way into politics.  God I had to listen to him and my grandma talk shit about Trump for a long time.  It got real annoying,  real fast. 

Now I’m just in my room resting.  Contemplating on if I should go walk outside for the last time or just rest for the long day tomorrow.  This is my last night in Europe for a very long time most likely.  I think I should probably go.  I just hope my grandma won’t come. 

I walked around for hours.  I bought a few magnets and I was going to get my girlfriend a bag but the store closed when I decided I was going to get it.  So that sucks.  

It was a good last day to this trip.  Tomorrow will be a lot of travelling but I’m so excited to get home and try to find a job.  My girlfriend might come visit me this summer and I need money. 

My Trip: Day 15

No wake up call,  no schedule really,  most of the people from the tour already left and are on their long flights heading home or wherever they’re heading. We head downstairs to have breakfast and a couple people from our tour are still here.  enough for us all to sit at a table.  Feels weird not seeing everyone that’s usually here.  I feel kind of sad actually.  It’s like…  The people I’ve seen every morning for the past two weeks are gone.  I’ll probably never see them again.  It’s oddly sad to me.  

Getting up early and having to rush to eat our breakfast and get on the bus.  I really loved that for some weird reason.  Maybe I feel sad  because I’m used to that schedule and I’m a guy who once I get in a pattern and schedule, I stick to it.  So I feel sad because I’m out of schedule right now and it feels wrong.  Not seeing anyone from our group anywhere,  not having a certain time to have to get ready for.  I feel weird about it all.  I kind of feel like how you feel after you finish a show after binging it on Netflix or maybe watching it every week for years.  You get used to the habit of seeing it at a certain time or you get used to the characters being around you but once you finish it you start to feel sad because it’s like they’re gone.  That’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling.  

I keep thinking about what’s happening next.  Because on the tour, we were in a different country almost everyday.  We woke up around 6 everyday after the wake up call in the room.  We’d hurry and get dressed and then we’d hurry and eat our fancy breakfast.  Then we’d all get on that coach bus of ours,  ready to see what’s next. Something very different each day.  That’s so against my nature but for some reason I loved not knowing what we’d see next.  I loved being in that schedule and pattern,  hearing the plans from Mario as we drove out of the city we’d stay in.  Ugh,  This is a weird feeling I’m having.  I wonder if there’s a word for it. It kind of also feels like a break up in a way.  Looking at the pictures of my trip and wishing I could go into the picture and live it again.  Very weird feeling. 

Well,  since we have no schedule and we have already ventured through Sofia,  where we’re staying.  we’re just hanging out in our room for a little bit.  fortunately we only have about an hour flight today.  Not even that bad.  I thought we’d a have a lot of travelling but I guess the place we’re going isn’t far.  We’re going to be there a night I think?  Hopefully.  Then we leave and have an extremely long day of travelling that I’m so not looking forward to.  

I miss my girlfriend.  Haven’t been able to skype her here because I share a room with my grandma and I don’t want her listening.  The time zone difference is crazy between me and her.  It’s usually 3 hours but now it’s much more.  

I’ve just been laying in my hotel room for hours.  I’m kinda of done with this trip.  I’ve had an amazing experience that I’ll never forget but I’m just wanting to go home now.  Not much else I’m interested in where we’re going.  I don’t think a 10ish hour car ride tomorrow is going to be worth it.  Wish we could have left when everyone else did.  But oh well,  nothing I can do but just try to enjoy the time I have left in Europe. 

Getting on and off the plane was pretty easy. It was only an hour flight and it barely took any time at all.  We arrived in Bucharest and we got a taxi ride to our hotel.  The taxi driver was incredibly nice and offered to stop for us to get water and he told us where things were and stuff.  But he ended up charging us more than necessary I think.  The currency here is about 3-4 times an American dollar.  

the night life here is great.  Music playing everywhere you go. There’s a bar right outsidw our room and I think the music will be playing all night probably.  I really think this place would be almost as good as Split,  Croatia but my grandma wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone.  In Split I peft her at the hotel and walked alone outside while people were partying and I wanted so bad to do that here but she wouldn’t just go back to the hotel room.  But oh well,  I got some good pictures and I walked a decent amount evem if it was slow having to wait for her old ass. 

The people here are really nice. The girl behind the desk in the hotel said she’d get us breakfast to go because we’re getting a tour early in the morning before their breakfast.  I want to come back to this city by myself or with some friends.  I really like it here for some reason. 

Well,  it was a long day and mainly didn’t do anything but the things I did do were fun so that’s good.  Dracula castle tour for tomorrow and then coming home the next day. 

My Trip: Day 14

Today’s been a pretty good last day with the people of the tour.  We woke up and we had a decent breakfast in the hotel.  Then we all gathered to go out and walk to the market.  This was the only annoying part of the day.  

I was expecting this to be a day where we all just split up and do our own thing. But they were trying to make it a big group deal.  It was fucking annoying because we just wanted to go shopping while the old farts wanted to go see the museum and stuff.  And us young kids were using our phones to lead them to where they wanted to go.  But all they did was complain the whole time about how they thought we were not going the right direction.  They were over there looking at their maps and the position of the sun while we were using our GPS.  A long story short,  we got there and we left them there.  

Me,  the girls,  and their grandma and aunt all walked to the market area and we looked at all the shops.  One of the girls is really,  really bossy and she tries to make her younger sister do everything.  I feel bad for the sister because she gets annoyed and I feel like she thinks everyone takes her older sister’s side.  When really I’m taking hers.  Then she kind of pouts and walks with the grandma the whole day.  Which is slightly immature but I kind of don’t blame her.  

Anyways,  I bought a wallet made out of a German newspaper that was made in the 30s.  Plus some other stuff like magazines and stuff.  The stuff in the store was made entirely out of recycled material.  I really liked it actually.  And my wallet is really cool. 

We walked about 7 hours and we took the subway back to our hotel.  Then I just kind of rested and took a shower and then we went downstairs to have a beer.  

Then at 6:50 we all gathered around the lobby and got ready to get on a bus to take us to our restaurant we’re having our goodbye dinner at.  Still can’t believe this is the last night with these people.  The days have gone by so so fast.  

The dinner was good but maybe not as good as ao was thinking it’d be.  I was hoping it’d be more like the Vienna vineyards like the first night we stayed here.  It wasn’t as good and we only go one glass of wine so…  What’s even the point.  

No but the food was good and we got to spend our last moments with our new friends.  As were given several courses of food and also got to watch the entertainers dancing and singing.  They also danced in fire or something like that but I didn’t get to see that part. 

All in all,  it was a good last night.  Many memories were made on this trip and I’m so happy I went.  

This isn’t officially my last day of the trip but it pretty much is the last day because for the next couple days it’ll just be me and my grandma.  It won’t be that fun anymore.